Zahira or Lola: Struggling with my identity

My name is Zahira. I’ve had this name since birth it was given to me by my mother. I was kindly named after my brother Zahir, yep how original. When I was younger I realized people would come up to me and say “Hey pretty girl, what’s your name” and I would answer in my oh so cute voice replying “Zahira” with a cheeky smile. I wondered if that’s where it all began, this long journey of insecurity that I tend to wrap myself around like a blanket.

When you’re younger you never tend to realize or care enough to correct someone when they trip upon your name as if there was an imaginary foot there causing them to misstep. You don’t realize these things as much unless your name isn’t your average Suzy, Rebecca, or even Hannah. When your name is complex and tends to cause people to actually use their brains they often tend to be lazy. They pronounce it the way they want it to sound. You don’t want to be rude and make them sound dumb by correcting them and say “ Sorry, it actually pronounced (Za-ear-uh).” So, you tend to brush it off like it didn’t happen.

The bad part is when you constantly have to repeat yourself to someone when they ask your name knowing within a 5 minute span they’ll ask again because they forgot.  The bad part is when you have to pronounce your name again for that person because the pronunciation is what they stumble on the most. The bad part is not feeling like you fit in because everyone around you has a name that you can remember without even trying.

There was a day I was out with my friend and we were going to meet up with some of their friends. Once we go to them they were rather friendly and were easy to talk to. Then came the part for names and I was excited to hear the names of my new friends. Until this day I still remember their names. Their names are Alicia, Katelyn, Avery, Josh, and Troy. Before I started to say my name I told them that it isn’t the hardest name but not exactly easy either. They agreed that it was fine and so I told them I didn’t particularly like my name but they insisted it was okay. Once I had said that my name was Zahira they then tried to pronounce it, they stumbled a couple of times so I had to keep repeating myself. At first it was fine until Alicia said, “”okay, so I’m not going to remember that can I just call you Z?” I looked at her and my expression read “Umm it isn’t even that hard but whatever,” and I’m pretty sure she could tell. She then continued calling me Z throughout the entire time which was by the way rather annoying since we weren’t close. They all followed along with what she did by calling me Z, but then Troy turned around not long after that and said, “Hey, Z so what’s your real name again I kind of forgot?” I then shot him the ugliest glare I could muster at the time and the friend I had came with saw and replied to him instead.

Have you ever thought about changing your name not just for amusement, but for an actual reason? Lola for me is an escape from living within this nightmare of insecurities. I’ve never wanted anything more than being able to fit in and not like an outcast. The funny part is that people only tend to want to change their name not for fun but for a serious reason. It wasn’t that I was getting bullied or anything but It gets tiring and I’m officially fed up with having to repeat myself for people to understand. It makes me feel like someone is playing with my insecurity purposefully even when they have no idea the effect that my name has on me. Does the name Lola make me feel secure? Maybe. Is the name Lola a mask to hide my flaws? Probably.

I was once watching this movie and the name of that movie was LOL and it was about this girl who goes by the name Lola who goes through highschool with many trials ahead of her. She goes through a lot and has many insecurities and a messed up family. I may not relate to the entire movie but the bases of that movie where I struggle and have many insecurities. Can you guess where the inspiration of my name Lola came from?

I don’t know many people who are insecure about their names. Usually when I say anything about my name to my friends they tend to say things like “Oh you look like a Zahira,” but what does a Zahira look like? I believe we say things like this because we don’t fully understand the meaning behind how a person can look like a word and or their name. We were born with that name, our parents didn’t name us based on how we looked. Most of the time your parents already had your name in mind before you were actually born. So, therefore how can I look like my given name? Impossible right? I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate the so called compliment but it logically doesn’t make sense. I believe this is also a method of trying to make that person feel better.

How is one supposed to cope with having their name trampled repeatedly? How are they supposed to deal with being insecure about the thing that makes them who they are?Some people tend to just suck it up and deal with it unlike me, who actually started with the people closest to me to see how lola would sound. Then, I slowly started using the name Lola instead of Zahira if it was easier for the people. That didn’t make me a coward for not dealing with it how others would but it instead makes me more comfortable with myself.

My family does not know about my name change as of right now but I hope to one day tell them. I want to hope that they will support me but looking back at things like this in the past they weren’t exactly the biggest supporters. I had a cousin who changed their name from Nadia to Aidan and my family still to this day calls them nadia. I believe that’s very disrespectful to not respect a person’s wishes especially if it’s legal.

This problem will be a forever one at least for me it will. I believe you should be most comfortable with yourself and I am not when it comes to my name. I want to either become more comfortable with my name or change my name for good for the reason of making myself comfortable. I don’t try to offend people by getting defensive when I correct them when they mispronounce my name, but it feels like they’re playing with my insecurities if they do it more than once. Therefore, I want to in the future find a solution so I don’t keep feeling insecure about this.