Here We Go Again

And there we were. At it again. Laying next to each other imagining the possibilities of each other. Exploring each other. I could never explain it. As I inhaled her aroma, enticed by her beauty, her bare skin carressing against mine. “Babe”, she would say. Her lips would slowly whistle my name. Our bodies were in sync once more. My body glided like a razor to freshly shaved legs right above her. She was just a childhood friend, I would tell her this. I know her body. I always give her that fresh feeling and glow right after. I explore her.

It has been six years. Everytime I heard her breathe slowly and softly, her body at relaxation my body goes limp. I was there again, body limp, penis hard. And this is honestly just a diary of a typical guy. I can not explain how much I love sex with her and only her. I tell myself that even though she was “just a friend” she was all I want now. “Slow this time?”, I usually say to her.

We connect eyes, lock our fingers together so that slowly, but suddenly I am back to dominating her body and thoughts. I have a hold on her. I know she was not mine, but in those moment we always share something together. Some days after we would handle my “limp moments”, I keep to myself. I  sit there alone in my room, skateboard, hit the vapors and just feel chill. I would catch myself attaching myself to her, addicted to her.

I would catch her slipping into her emotions, but over the months she became much more logical. It scares me. But I will never understand her, yet I never have cared to. She is she, and I am I. We will never fully understand each other’s thoughts. That is what brought her back to me each time, fight after fight. It would always be a misunderstanding.

We have been seeing each other for a while now. I loved that she comes and go. We tried a relationship before and it did not work. I hated the institutionalized ideas of a label or being called her boyfriend. Shit, I am just too young to settle down. I hate to let her down, but I can not stand committing myself. She was due to go soon anyways.

Let me introduce myself.

I am just an 18 year old guy. I do not know what love is. I do not even think I love myself. We stopped saying I love you back when we were 15. Occasionally she will tell me that she loves me. I know she does, I just feel weird about love.

She is leaving in just a month. And last time that is why she left, because I hated the fact that I knew she had to go. I always imagine us slipping us in our old ways when we are not together. I am not binded to her nor she is binded to me. That is the most beautiful part about it. I allow her to go out and explore the world, as she allows me to. I adore her and our bond. I will allow her to explore other people too, I want to taste the salt in her mouth, victory that her vocal cords have yet to scream, and the trail of the people she passes by to get to me. The treacherous moments without me and the battles that allow us by each other sides is what I yearn for. However, I do not expect them.

I know that there is a possibility she will leave and never come back. So as I lay there tonight, and our fingers intertwine, this time is no different. She whispers to me “Babel”. I grasps her sides, pull her close, and press my lips against hers. This time I allow myself to breathe, inhale her aroma, leaning her head against my chest as she plays in my hair. I say to her, “Will you come visit?”. Immediately she responds  “Of course I will, I will call you every night crying telling you I miss you”. I reply, “You’re gonna leave me here all lonely and shit”.

Either way she is going to go. I have no say. I do not know whether I will explore others, or whether she will, too. Now is all that she is giving me, now I will take, now I will give. Until we both are granted to love again, even if I am stuck loving someone else.

Wake Up, Wake Up

Waking up this morning was a struggle

And the depths of my thoughts submerged me

Consumed me

Self infliction

So my predilect for happiness kicked in

and I slowly digressed from the thoughts

where you inevitably lie

Yet again I can not help it

Lying to myself

Justifying "us"

even though I know that there is only you

and then there is me

And you continue to be on the walls of my mind

Attached

As if you were the flower to my dirt

Where you suddenly seem to have bloomed

And I suddenly seen to remember that flowers are not my thing

That I hate them and never seem to engulf myself in their beauty

And I slowly begin to have tsunami tides in my eyes

Watering my thoughts

So that they can grow, only greater than they were before

but I stop

and remind myself

that I am the dirt

Used to create such a beautiful disaster

However, I can not seem to stomp on you

Pull you out of the dirt where I know that you can grow

Because I provide you with the nutrients

As if I am your food for thought

And so instead I decide to leave you there

Plant new seeds in my dirt

Because I know that they will grow

So I will crowd my garden

Separation

We were inseparable for years on end. I knew that she was someone who I wanted in the moment. But i  could not promise our future moments. I was okay with that. Wrapped up all she and I could be right now. But it was on a gloomy day where we decided we no longer wanted to be confined by the ways of each other. I could hear the subtle ways she would push me away and I would do the same to her. Her actions and her voice as it was all composed of hesitation. I had known her, I had known I. But there is nothing like losing two instead of losing one.

A Love Like This

His hand glided against my skin. I know it sounds sexual, but he knew how to please me. Satisfying it was. It was hand on mine, that got me everytime. Where our eyes met, as I indulged in his chestnut brown eyes. And see, he was not my lover, per say. Little would even imagine that from the way that it sounds, but he is my father. My father held my hand, as my small hand fit into his large palm scooped up by his fingers.

My father held my hand like no other, a bond in which could not be rectified. This was our time together, and few of it is what we had together. He would give me a father-daughter glare and that is what gave me hope. He was the man that I looked up to, confided in. He was the only man I had ever trusted. I confided in him, and I hoped that this would not hinder but help my abilities to have a strong bond with someone else in life. So as his hand softly carressed at the inside of my palm, I could not help but stay.