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"I don't **** with you!"

The man next to me's music is blaring from his headphones, making it impossible for me to not hear it, no matter how much I try to block out the profanities and beat. It's as if his widely-spread legs impeding my personal space weren't enough to make me uncomfortable. My body feels too big to fit in this space, and I can’t help think what others think about this. In my mind, I know that no one on this train cares what I look like or act like, as long as it doesn’t have anything to do with them, but I can’t help the nagging in my mind that tells me everything I do is wrong: anxiety.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

The woman in front of me impatiently taps her foot, sighing at her phone. Her purse sits on the seat next to her, making her personal bubble almost inaccessible. She has no relation to me and I shouldn’t be concerned with her at all, but the tapping of her foot might as well be her banging on my head the way that it affects me. The beat isn’t steady and sometimes pauses abruptly. In my head, it should be steady, in counts of four. That’s the OCD in me talking.

When I was younger, I would walk to the bus stop, sometimes nearly missing the bus, because I needed to count my steps. A normal sidewalk block would account for two steps, but some of the bigger ones took four steps. It was always an even number. I’ve always had an obsession with even numbers, but everyone thought it was no big deal. Everything I did had to be an even number; my steps, my breaths, even the amount of time my food was in the microwave had to be even or else I’d be uncomfortable. As I got older, uncomfortable wasn’t the right word for it. The word became anxious, and this nervousness manifested in other ways as well, in a fear of germs as one example. Finally, I decided this was something that I needed to share with my therapist. My mother was convinced I was fine, but my panic attacks suggested otherwise. After a session explaining myself, I remember my therapist’s words: “This sounds like a serious case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.” My heart seemed to skip a beat for a moment, I was finally being heard out.

"I know the train can go faster than this," a little girl in a blue jumper scoffs as the L loudly turns a corner, screeching unbearably for a moment.

Her voice, along with others’ protruding conversations infect my mind on this overly crowded train. Everyone is living their lives, and I feel like I can’t. I still have a few stops to go, and my heart rate is climbing. I think about things I’ve learned to deal with these feelings, when my body and mind feel out of control. I reign myself in, doing breathing exercises and examining the details in my the train ride to ground myself. It barely works in this moment, as I feel claustrophobic. I try to fill my mind with the breathing repetitions of ‘in for 4, hold for 7, out for 8’, as I’ve been advised before, but it feels ineffective.

Scwsh.

A book's page turns loudly, and I want to scream. Every noise around me consumes my thoughts, filling my head until it feels as if it's about to explode. I then realize I'm breathing too shallow and shakily, my face is going numb. There are too many people around me, I need to get out.

"Doors are opening."

I rush out of the train, people looking at me like I’m crazy. Despite the humid feeling of Thirteenth Street Station, I take gasping breaths and feel free, feeling returning to my face and my breathing stabilizing. Then I notice the side-eye glances to me of those in the station. I sit down for a moment just to think before going back to my travel. My whole life seems like a series of being judged, be it for my size, my habits and repetitions, or for my nervousness about life in general. Panic attacks have become a part of my life, the feeling of dread filling me to the point where I can’t breathe.

I think about my school life. Growing up, focusing was hard when there was so much around me to provoke unease, the constant sneers and threats throughout elementary school not helping my anxiety. People never seem to notice, is what I’ve learned. People looked at me and saw a quirky child who liked even numbers and didn’t focus well. Now they see a young woman who takes on every club and activity she can. In both scenarios, people don’t see the struggle, the constant battle with my mind to convince myself that I’m sane. They don’t see the tears late at night over what people think, or how high or low my grades are. They see the outward appearance or a young lady that holds herself together well, not the broken pieces held together with what I can only describe as metaphorical duct tape.

At this point in life, I’ve finally found somewhere accepting, somewhere that I feel comfortable opening up about my issues without having to worry about being hurt. I’ve learned how to provide myself with distracts that help more than hurt, to keep myself busy rather than make pain a distraction from anxiety.

So finally, I get up from this bench at Thirteenth and get on my way, facing another day.

“CALL 911, PAYTON CALL 911…”

immediately I grabbed the phone, shaking with fear. I was hoping I wasn’t too late.

“Is she going to make it, God please help her.”

I stared at my  sister lying on the floor. I knew it was getting bad but I never thought I about losing her, I fought with all my might to stay strong for my mother.

A year earlier, I was fourteen. I had just gotten a job working at a summer camp, being a counselor. My sister was acting really strange. I went into her room to grab my shoes she had borrowed. Then I saw her sitting, staring, her eyes were red and low. I was at a loss. I grabbed my shoes and said “ I’m going to Target, do you need anything?”

It was around 6:00 on a Tuesday, why was she acting so weird. After a long pause of me staring at her she said “nah”.

I went to tell my mom, my mom just sort of tried to change the topic every other word I said. I didn’t know what was going on.

After a long month of odd behavior from my sister, I came home from work to a broken basement window, our chairs on our payment upside down. It almost looked like our house was broken into, I ran in. My mom said “Payt, we have to talk..”

I knew this meant something went wrong. She eyes were filled were tears, her was shaky. She said “your sister isn’t allowed here anymore!”

my heart felt like it was in my stomach, “She’s is on drugs and is choosing her own path”

Tears now rushing down my mom’s and my face. “All we can do is hope she gets better soon.”

I was at a loss of words what was I to do without my best friend, my sister, my personal hairdresser, my sister…

My sister would come to the house time after time, trying to get in and “have somewhere to sleep”. It came to a point where I even wanted nothing to do with her. I went to classes on the drugs and I did research, I did some much research just to try to understand why would she pick the drugs over her family. I didn’t understand. Day after day ever siren my mom and I heard our stomachs turned. I finally hit a point where I felt like just giving up on her. She went to so many rehabs and not one seemed to work.

I would come home and my sister would be walking around with an attitude that you just knew she wasn’t right. Thinking about it actually still makes my stomach turn. One day I had came home and heard my mom screaming before I even entered the house. I nervously went through my bag to find my key. I now feel sick, as I turn the knob to open the door I see my sister lying on the ground and my mom screaming, “CALL 911!”

I walked in and saw my sister just laying there. I picked up my phone so fast to quickly dial 911. My eyes filled up with tears as I told the operator please get an ambulance please, I think my sister is overdosing. PLEASE HELP HER!”.

When I got off the phone all I saw was the fear in my mother’s eyes, the anxiety that her first daughter’s life was in jeopardy. There was absolutely nothing I could do, the feeling of my heart sinking in my body came again. Not be able to know what would happen next my mom said as tears rolled down her face, “Payton, please go to mom moms until she is gone, I can’t let you see all of this..”

I listened because I knew my mom couldn’t possibly take anything else.

January 11th, 2017, I will never forget this day. The day arrested. Some may say it was the worst, and I’ll admit it was hard but it taught my whole family so much. As a family we went threw so much growth, and for that I am thankful. The world of drugs runs deep, it’s a world I never actually wish to live in. Once you’re in the world of drugs your brain is controlled and it takes everything in you to put away from it. My lesson out of this was that to never take anyone you care about or yours life for granted. This world is a scary place and you never truly know what will happen next all you can do is keep your head your head held high and keep pushing. I never know if my sister will forever be clean but I sure do hope so.

“Orlando don't you think it's time to head home, tomorrow is a school day honey?”  

Once I heard that my heart started to pump faster and faster as a grab my bag full of clothes to walk out the door. Just as I started to walk out  the door I can hear my mother screaming at me.  

“You couldn’t come see me you dumb bitch!”,

I maybe could have seen her, but for what for so she can just call me all types of names and make me feel bad about myself. Just after I walk in and I'm shocked, I didn't get cursed out for once I came in the house. Instead I smell some strong odor. I started to wonder was it from outside or inside my house.  I shut the door to see if the smell is still there. It wasn't outside. I know it's coming from upstairs once I close the door. I enter my room.

“who’s there?”

“It's me Orlando I just got home”, mind you it's about 7:00 pm.

As I said I was home to my mom, she looked a little  funny. Her lip was turned, the smell came out her room, and she was paranoid.

“Is she doing drugs again, I thought she promised me she’ll stop.” I say to myself.

At that moment I feel the steam come out my ears because I was so mad. Instead of telling her off I showered and went to bed.  

It's Monday morning, Sep 9 and I am very happy because I love school and can't wait  to make new friends at my new school.  I walk outside my bedroom door I noticed my mom had been up all night because her light had been on all night. “Mom are you up? I'm heading to school.”

As soon as I asked my mom if she was up, she turned her light off not knowing I'm right outside her door. Since I didn't get a response, I begin  to head to school and ignore what just happened so I can start on a good note entering freshman year at SLA.

“OMG you survived your first day of highschool.” I said to myself ready to come back to school for the second day.

When I got off the bus I walked straight  home thinking about all the homework I have to do and will I be able to get to sleep early. When I was walk down the block, I noticed that my mom is in a bad mood. I wondered if it was because she doesn't have money to buy drugs? Or Is it because she got in a fight with my step father? Once I  walked up my front steps she approaches me with a “Do you have money”

instead of “Hi baby! How was your first day?”

But it's fine, I'm used to it already. “I need it for my lunch. Hi to you to.”

As I began my homework, my mother decided to  come in and start to calling me stupid, that I don't love her, and  that I won’t be a anybody in my future.  This all stemmed from me not giving her money.  I stop doing my homework because I really want to become somebody and she doesn't show me any support. I think to myself maybe I can just grow thicker skin and ignore what she says. After I stopped being upset, I started to do more homework and as soon as I lifted my pencil she started to verbally abuse me more. This time by making me think bad about myself more.

Once again I stop because I can't focus. I”ll just do it at school since she is bugging me because she doesn't have drug money..

It's Tuesday, New year's eve. I promised my sister I would spend New year's eve with her and her new boyfriend since I always spend it at my best friend house. Before I stepped into my house, all I smelled is this strong awful odor of throw up. “Why is there throw up near that white couch? It's gonna start to make the couch stink.”

“It's your mother's she was drunk last night and decided to start fights with me knowing I'm pregnant” my sister says walking down the steps.

While I'm walking to the kitchen I see three stacks of bowls that are dirty. “Why aren't the dishes clean! Yall to lazy to wash dishes?” not knowing my mother didn't pay the water bill.

Once I figure out the water is shut off I instantly come towards my mom who stinks very bad and tell her “you need to get your act together first you started drugs again and you start drinking now!”

Now while I get my clothes all I'm doing is regretting that promise I made Monday night because my mother is just gonna drink the night away again.

It's 12:00 AM New Years, Once everybody in my house is done hugging me and my mom get in alil argument because she called me “snotty” just because I didn't want to get her a beer. She than asks me a rude question “Why you gotta be so snotty towards your mother? that's so fucked up.”

I didn't even answer the question I just left upstairs because I didn't want to just like curse at her maybe she’ll start to hit on me next.
Three hours passed and the party is still going on because my mother don't care that everybody is tired, so my sister unplugs her stereo and hides the extension cord. My mom being drunk wanted to still hear music and tried to ask me to get another extension cord, my response towards her questions was a simple “no you're drunk go to bed” turned into a fight. My mom ran up the steps and charged after me by grabbing my neck and shouting, “you're such a snotty, dumb, unaffectionate bitch you know that”.

While she is choking me my sister pulls her off than my mom kicked me out at 3 in the morning. I shout as a threat and a promise “the next time you grab me by the neck you’ll have DHS in your life with a black eye”.  
A month later around 7pm, my mother decided to get drunk again and attack my sister. All I heard was her screaming “you ain't going to have no future” and rumbling.

“Get the fuck out my room, don't worry I'm not coming back home after school tomorrow” my sister says as my mom walks down the steps.

I ask my sister “where she going back to the bar?”

“I don't know and don't care!” She replied.

Once she answered she started to have a dramatic break down which triggered me to talk to Lehmann because i'm so scared my sister will hurt herself. Once I got into contact his reply was “Lando want me to come get you? I'm scared for your safety”

I say “yes please come quick be safe”.

Once Mr.lehmann came to my house the police shows up and break down the door, me leaving with my sister to Lehmann house for the night and my mom getting in the house.

That morning is where my promise came in place. That I would bring DHS back into my mother’s life again.  We had a discussion with my advisor and Mr.lehmann about the incident and if I felt save? As we speak I get emotional and shut down because I feel some weight I had on my shoulders from my mom come. Of course I felt guilty but at the end I felt a little better but I still felt lost. I felt lost because I stood to my promise and me doing that it affected my relationship with my sister, whom I was close with. They took me out my house. I stayed with my best friend until August. Which was the month all the weight and guilt I had on my shoulders vanished because my mother has no legal rights for me. She can't attack me no type of way.  All I can think about is “God is good, God is good.”

When I was younger, I didn’t understand catcalling. I understand why catcallers do it now, but I don’t understand why they constantly pursue people who don’t want what they’re offering.

The first time I was around that type of environment, my mother, my older sister, and I were walking up 16th and Chestnut right beside the H&M attempting to get to 15th street. A tall, middle aged man abruptly stopped my mother. At the time, I thought he just needed directions. I was no older than nine. I barely knew how people had sex. I didn’t know he was about to ask my mother out on a date.  I didn’t know he was about to disrespect my mother by asking her that question blatantly in front of her children.  

“What’s your name?” He asked leering at her breasts. “What would you say if I asked you out on a date?”

I turned to look at my sister. She doesn’t look shocked. Why doesn’t she look shocked?

“I would tell you I’m with my kids right now,” My mother said. She motioned her hands at us to continue walking.

I wanted to know: What had happened back there? People are allowed to do that? These thoughts raced through my mind as we walked. When I got home, that’s all I could think about. Does this usually happen to her? Why does this happen to her? What did he truly want in return for taking her out to dinner? I got up to ask my sister.

“Hey, Nasia. Do you remember what happened with mommy earlier?”

“Yeah, how could I forget? Why do you ask?”

I wasn’t sure how to word the question.  Should I be blunt? What if I just-- “What was that back there?” I blurted out.

My sister looked at me like I was a doofus. “That guy was trying to get mommy in his sheets. He obviously only came up to her because he thought she looked good.”

To get her in his sheets? What? What does that mean? I had a lot of unanswered questions.

Just recently, I had a situation like that happen to me. I was walking up the stairs to get to Dilworth Park. I would’ve stayed underground, but I didn’t have any cell reception and I needed to call my sister.

As I looked down at my phone, I heard, “You look nice!” I looked up to see a man standing right in front of me. My immediate reaction was, “Thank you!” not acknowledging his ulterior motive. “How old are you?” Why is this man talking to me? What is he doing?

“14,” I tell him, holding my phone close to my ear to deliberately ignore the truth.

“Oh..I’m sorry! I thought you were older!” Of course you did! They always think I am. Just let me get to where I need go.

“You sound so mature though!” He said with a crooked smile on his face.

He raised his hand like he was saying goodbye. I continued to be polite by doing the same thing. As soon as I did, he grabbed my hand and held it tightly. What is this man doing?

“You just look like a nice person. I’m really sorry I--.” I zoned out to hopefully hear Anasia pick up.

“I’m sorry. The person you are trying to reach has a voice mailbox that has not been setup yet--.” Great, now she’s not answering.

“--When I was a kid, we didn’t do this. Everything was so different.”

This man kept rumbling on and on about his childhood. I thought: Why is he continuing to talk to me? I just said I’m 14. He griped my hand tighter and tighter. His eyes were widening. He opened his mouth and began to say, “I’ll just wait for you!” Is this man in his right state of mind? What made him think I’ll date him when I’m older? He let go of my hand and said goodbye.  

Are looks the only thing people see in a person? What about personality, and the way they make you feel? Is catcalling just for booty calls? After thinking back, I have come to the decision that now and days, everyone wants what makes them look good, whether it’s a phone or a person. I’m sure there are a few people who see past the good looks, but most of us just want something because it’s extravagant or name brand. Honestly, I even do it sometimes. We’re so used to what we want, that we forget what we need. Do you want someone who has a killer body, or someone who cares and respects you?

A couple of weeks ago I went over my friend Ryan’s house because we were going to try and go to a party. I was sitting on the couch as Ryan picks up his phone to go onto Instagram.

“Yo bro I’m hungry you got any food,” I said as I walked to his cabinets.He ignores me for his cellphone

“Yo, what the hell dog I’m talking to you!” I smacked him in the back of his head

“Alright chill! what’s up- oh yea the food.” He puts it down and goes to get some things needed to make a sandwich. RING! He hears his phone notification go off and runs to the cell phone, then goes back to eating.

“Bro since you didn't want to help, you can wash dishes.” Ryan had forgotten to wash the dishes because of his cell phone distracting him. The  opens

“Ryan and Benji you better have my house clean,” His mom yells. I sprung up and ran downstairs Ryan stood on his phone

“Ryan get your behind downstairs,” She yelled. No sound. Ryan’s mom walks upstairs

“Give me this shit and go clean my dishes”

You might be thinking what’s going on at this point. Well, Ben’s friend Ryan is a perfect example of how teens are in a system of technology. As you can see the system of technology can take over a teenager. This starts with social media, which can mess with your social life in real life. A counterexample to this system would be Ben in this situation. Ryan has no idea that he’s even apart of a system, but let's break the news to him.

“Yo broski school is so boring they got us talking about this book Macbeth. Why won't she let us just chill,” Ryan texts Ben.

“Just chill and text me later. Why can’t you be without your phone for five minutes?” Ben texts back.

“Hey, not my fault I got hoes on my phone,”Ryan cracked.

“Shut up, you just look at memes about you being lonely. Now go back to class now.”Ben ends the conversation.

You may not have noticed it, but Ryan is able to have an entire conversation with Ben without Ben being ignored. This is my personal experiences with the system of technology it’s in 3rd person well because that’s how I love to tell my stories so enjoy.When Ryan’s on his cell phone in the first scene, he’s so stuck in his cell phone, he’s basically not in the room. The system of technology takes control of his mind. When we mentioned the counterexample earlier just look at how Ben asks Ryan to get off of his phone. This scene shows that proof that the system of technology doesn’t work for all teens. You would call this an inductive reasoning because watch this next scene with Ben’s brother, Luca.

Ben’s on the phone with his brother while walking to the store.

“Ok cool. I think I’ll be at practice tomorrow. Keep me posted alright bye.” Ben hangs up the phone call with Ryan.

“Little Niz, you going to practice with me today.”

“Hell no 2k is all the sports I need.” Finally home Luca runs straight for the Xbox

“Cmon! Come to practice with us.”

“Bye, I’m playing 2k.”

“Whatever I’ll just tell mom.” I yelled down stairs and yelled, “Ma go turn off Lucas Xbox he don’t wanna go to baseball practice”

Ok to shorten this Luca is another example that technology is a system we live in. He doesn’t know it just like Ryan. Luca and Ryan are key proof that technology corrupts up from the real world. Why? Because the world is boring to them they like the fast and funny entertainment they get from playing video games and going on social media. After looking at the system itself ask yourself reader are you a part of the system of technology. Did you even know that you were associated until now. Test yourself and try leaving your phone and computer alone for a whole day.

Well After looking back on it this looks like a persuasive essay but it isn’t. This essay is intended to show the reader that a system can be persuasive. I just wanted to give you, the reader a deeper and enjoyable reading session. Hope you enjoyed some scenes about the systems in my life.

In 2016, my family planned to go Virginia for four days. During the summer we started to get everything set and in the month of August we left. We went to a very big and cool hotel that was pricey but worth it. On the first day there, we got settled in the room that the hotel gave us and began to get  ready to see what they had. We found this place called Busch Gardens which is a hotspot of activities and different cultural themed areas. So my family and I went to try the place out and see what it had to offer.

The entertainment system is a very big part of the world. What we usually do is go to the beach but we wanted to try something new and see if we would like it. We didn’t want to go somewhere off land and on an island because it takes too long and cost too much.

When we arrived,  we took a family photo to remember our first moments. The first ride we got on was called ‘’Pompeii’’. It is a huge water ride that looks almost like a log flume but with more effects and and a scarier drop. Day one we really did nothing and just went around half of busch gardens, got on some rides, ate some food and enjoyed the day.  On day two, we woke up to the wonderful sound and rhythm of a fire alarm. We still don’t know what triggered it but that gave me an idea of what type of day was ahead of us.

Then next we went and got breakfast which was great but after we left, we had to pull over because our car broke down. The next few minutes, maybe 12 minutes tops, the repair man comes and fixes our broken down car. Later we went to the water park and that's when things got worse.

The park was crowded but not so much you couldn’t move. Just too many people in the area. There was nothing to really do thanks to the many people in line and in the water. When we learned that there was a back part to the park by the time we were actually having fun A GIANT STORM CAME AND WE HAD TO LEAVE. We waited in our car for an hour because everyone was leaving at the same time because of the storm and we got really hungry. We didn’t eat there cause the lines were packed and the food didn’t look good.

At the end we just had enough of how bad a day were having we just decided to go to Busch Gardens and eat at the Smorgasbord. The food was good and we even got to see a show as we ate so that made the day better. We ended the day off with something right and it fixed everything that had happened before.

The entertainment system has ups and downs. We had lot’s of fun in Busch Garden and Williamsburg. Downs that set us back were the alarm at the hotel, the dead battery in the car and the rain storm at the water park. But that didn’t ruin the experience of the vacation. Many people chose different places to have a vacation and sometimes they work other times they don’t.