When growing up with advanced technology and having many social media platforms we tend to lose who we truly are, to act like somebody we are not,or to be “known”. For example, we tend to follow the trends that are out and download the new apps that are most popular to feel included. It's all about trying to be relevant in the social media eye. This usually is called Dissociation because we change our actions, the way we react to certain incidents to seem cool or relatable even though deep down you are not that type of individual. This isn’t only with social media, the society tends to be our #1 judge when it's time for us to be our authentic selves. We are so afraid to show who we really are, that we enter a state of depression or feel very comfortable in bad situations.
When researching double life in a homosexual perspective I found a website, “The psychological issues of being in and out the closet” by Jack Drescher. He discusses of gay men and women, periods of difficulty in acknowledging their homosexuality, either to themselves or to others, and how it can lead to depression and anxiety. In the article it states:“Through dissociation of anxiety-provoking knowledge about the self, whole double life can be lived and yet, in some ways, not be known.” Dissociation tends to be very common when an individual starts to recognize they are different sexuality wise than people around them. Which is when double life starts to occur or even before, they act like a totally different person with a group of friends than how they are with themselves. This supports my stance on how society views affect the way we tend to see and feel about ourselves. We like to use double living as an escape from who we truly are. I believe it's somewhat an escape route from discovery because on social media or in person we are viewed by how we interact and dress. In order to not be seen as gay, some men dress boyish and some women will throw on earrings even though they don't like them. This connects to me in many ways because growing up I would try different to find “boy-ish” looks that were in style so I can just blend in with the trends even though I didn't feel comfortable. is the life of a trapped dog in a house. The dog nature is to be free and breathe but since it is stuck in the house all day, it will become very bored and depressed that it will either submit or find another way to get a glimpse of a fun day. This connects to my first point because we aren't able to be who we are because we are scared to be judged so we either stay hidden or break free and be prideful.
While reading through this article it made me remember I was placed in a similar situation living double lives during middle school when I soon realized I was different. I was placed in a situation where I had to act and dress like a man “should” because I wanted to fit in. As a new school day started I walked out my house and checked myself out in the mirror to see if Iooked boyish. My outfit always consists of loose jeans because most guys in my school wear loose jeans because skinny jeans are viewed to be feminine.
“You look fine, no worries” I would say to myself because I don't want them to find anything suspicious that connects to me being gay.
Once I lock my door I check my block to make sure nobody is out so I can walk alone. I walk and walk until I am half way and fix the sway in my hips until I hear,
“Yo Lando you forgot to pick me up. Aren’t we supposed to be homies?” a friend, but not really named Justin says.
“ I totally forgot,” I respond.
“What was you doing? Trying to fix your walking style?” Justin asks curiously.
“Nah,” I said lying. I was starting to lightly panic because we would make fun of Nathan a guy who didn't care about fitting in that walked like a girl. At this moment I lived by what people viewed me as which is why I changed the way I dressed and walked because I didn't want people to think I was gay. Yes, it wasn't something I enjoyed because I am very prideful and interactive but that was usually how females were perceived as, so I had act all tough and unsentimental just like a guy is stereotyped to be like. Which is why it connects to how our society tends to make us live by morals that aren't ours in order to fit in or not be judged.
The idea that I had to change my appearance and interactions connects to what Faulkner wrote about masculinity and femininity:“Cultural notions of “feminine” and “masculine” behavior are shaped in part by observations about what women and men do. This kind of ‘gender marking’ tends to discourage women or men from entering “gender-inauthentic” occupations.” Gender marking tends to discourage males and females who decide to work a “masc” or “fem” profession because as years go on many young men and women will look as professionals as if they have a gender tied to it so they feel they aren’t good enough or the men / women working in the dominated field will be made fun of. For example if a women wants to work as a construction worker men will doubt she is capable with leading or lifting heavy object only a man can. This makes her very insecure and wanting to leave because she isn't accepted. This connects to the scene of memory because I had to change the way I acted because they would consider me to be feminine and will probably stop hanging with me to then just bully me like they did to Nathan.
There’s always a standard for men and women to meet; there are always going to be roadblocks ahead. These roadblocks are specific to one’s gender, and we feel pressure to succumb to these challenges to our true identities. However, when we change ourselves to match the gender expectations, we lose a part of our true selves.
When I hear the word “culture,” I picture a big gathering of people all coming together to celebrate their similarities with one another. I see colors, lights, dancing, singing, rituals, etc. To me, it is something to cherish because it’s where you can find belonging. It’s where you have almost everything in common with the people surrounded by you. It’s home. I was sent out into the world where there wasn’t only my culture. There were hundreds more and it’s when I realized I won’t always belong wherever I go. Stereotypes are put on many cultures, putting people to shame about the culture they come from or are apart of. Being a part of two cultures is when things can get very complicated. I am stuck between the Puerto Rican culture and the American culture and it is like I am stuck between two worlds. Two worlds that cannot interfere, it is either one or the other or even sometimes neither. But I believe that there is a world where the two can coexist because both are who I am.
I love being Puerto Rican but being Puerto Rican in Philadelphia is completely different from being Puerto Rican in Puerto Rico. I pick and choose when I want to show the Hispanic side of me since it isn’t something that’s normal to people in Philadelphia. English is the main language and speaking another language is a “cool” thing when it’s really the same as knowing English. We all make each other feel so different just because we don’t come from the same culture or ethnicity or especially when not all of us are the same skin tone.
The stereotypical Puerto Rican is being “too ghetto” or “too loud.” In a way, I can see this being true but usually to me, it is taken as a joke until I notice it out in public.
“Mom, can you please stop?”
“Stop what? Come on Nani, lighten up.”
“But you are being loud, and you got people looking at us like we crazy.”
I look around after saying this and instantly see all the eyes that were on us. It was kind of awkward and uncomfortable because I do not like to attract attention to myself.
“Man f*** them, la gente son presentao (People are nosy). And that’s not my fault.”
“Ooooookay,” I said rolling my eyes. I can sometimes feed into the idea of the stereotypes. I try so hard to not seem like a stereotypical Puerto Rican, when deep inside I know I am not. I do not care about what others think but when it comes to being judged because of my race and culture is when I take it seriously. For this reason, I tend to change myself depending on where I am at.
The main character in The Hate You Give, Starr Carter, experiences the same feeling of what it is like being stuck between two worlds. The author, Angie Thomas, talks about Starr’s desire to fit in when she wrote: “That means flipping the switch in my brain so I’m Williamson Starr” (71). “Flipping the switch” is something I do a lot especially when being in a place that represents the definition of professionalism or being somewhere where someone considers me as a stranger. “Flipping the switch” is like changing your whole demeanor. Many people say I tend to give off the idea that I am always mad or upset so in a way I try to do the opposite by changing my facial expressions and giving good first impressions. We all want to be viewed or noticed a certain way when in reality it won’t always work that way. In some situations, people can be seen as the target depending on where they’re from or what they look like and at times I can feel like this person.
Being around my family is when I don’t have to worry about how my culture affects anyone else, but this changes when I visit Puerto Rico. The people in Puerto Rico are much different than the Puerto Ricans here in Philadelphia. Since Philadelphia is filled with so many other cultures, I tend to shut myself out from my culture so people will see me and not my culture. In Puerto Rico, I don’t have to do this since everyone is mostly the same over there but it’s when I feel out of place or an outsider because I am not from Puerto Rico. I am from America and a part of the American culture. They have different traditions that I never learned or heard of and I speak more English than Spanish. Knowing more English is where I feel out of place the most, especially with family around my age.
Ta-Nehisi Coates, author of Between the World & Me has similar experiences to my life with the people around his age. He tries to understand a series of ideas he has developed about his body and the generation he comes from by saying: “Now I felt the deeper weight of my generational chains” (124). He digs deeper and understands why these “generational chains” have such a significant meaning. The generations we come from, are apart of our identity. We all want to feel accepted by the people we’ve grown up with and can relate to the most. When we don’t feel comfortable around these people, we can often tend to question who we are and our belonging. I remember speaking to one of my cousins and she did not know any English. I was able to communicate with her to the point where we can both understand each other pretty well. After our conversation, it really hit me that I don’t fit in as much there as I do here in Philadelphia. It made me feel good about where I’m from but also put me in the position that it doesn’t matter what culture I am apart of.
Being a part of two cultures can make someone wonder who they really are as a person. Being aware of the person I am can help me rely more on myself. I listen to my own opinions more often than others. I have an inner connection with both of my cultures that I have learned to use as an advantage, like being able to communicate with people who speak both english and spanish. I’m learning to fight the stereotypes that are chasing after me. I am learning to accept myself for the person I am and not care about those around me. I am learning to live in a world where both of my cultures coexist with each other and not having to shut one or the other out. Knowing who I am is a relief because I know how to face the challenges of who I am when the time comes. I know me.
In order to demonstrate our understanding of the play Macbeth, we chose to create a mockumentary-type film, following the efforts of the yearbook committee as they interviewed the students of their school. These students were all characters from Macbeth, and the project thus allowed us to take a deeper look at the characters themselves. By including the interviews, we were not only able to reflect the soliloquies and such from the play, but it also allowed us to predict what the characters would have been like in a modern school environment. This demonstrated our understanding of the text and the characters as we had to mold the speech, the actions, and even the body language of those in the film based off of the play. We also created a few yearbook pages to reflect the video and the characters. The yearbook depicts the graduating class of 1022, which is both a reference to the year that we will graduate, 2022, but would also have been the year that the characters would have been seventeen or eighteen years old. In addition, on each of the pages, we chose to add a small symbol that would represent each character. For instance, for Banquo’s page, a ghost was added. This is both echoing the supernatural theme throughout the play, but is also due to Banquo’s presence as a ghost that haunts Macbeth. We also picked quotes from the text for the majority of the characters, to show the reasoning behind the selected character traits.
The purpose of this project was to take a closer look at the characters in Macbeth, and to use the text to apply their characters to a more relatable setting. The film follows the work of the Scotland High yearbook committee. In order to gather the information needed to create the yearbook, they conduct a series of interviews on all the students of the school. The yearbook is a compilation of the information gathered in the interviews. It not only records the information gathered, but also provides a deeper look into what their personality is meant to be like, and shows some of the evidence supporting these conclusions is from in the quotes.
Here is our video: Scotland High
Here is a link to Iris's page (My project partner)
Social Class In the Classroom
Part of growing up is finding where you belong amongst the people around you. Many children experience this first through school. As a child, most of the time you are categorized in a classroom by your social class. Once you get to a certain age, the other kids around you begin to realize where your from and whether your family comes from money or not. Then, for many people, you get judged for having, or not having money like the other children around you. I had this experience in grade school. Many of the children around me were much wealthier than I was and it definitely affect the way I learned in the environment. Teachers often tend to tune out when it comes to social class even though small things like these can powerfully impact a young person’s life.
In many instances, we see people push aside social class as an issue in classroom scenarios. Race and religion are the main focus of many people’s concerns with equality in the classroom. In an article written by Adj Marshal, he discusses the effect of bringing social class into the classroom and touches on how the weight of this on children is sometimes overlooked. He says, “Compared with race or gender, class is less obviously inscribed on the body and more poorly understood, with more gray areas and fewer shared terms for social categories, making identity development a slower and more fraught process.” In many cases social class is a large part of a child’s identity, so not making it a larger part of the discussion in the classroom, like Marshall says, it could potentially damage a child’s image of themself.
Personally, I have had social class affect me negatively in a classroom environment. I was in the second grade when I realized my peers were not raised the same way I was. I attended a private school on a partial scholarship while my mom had to scrape pennies to pay the other end of my tuition. Meanwhile, many of my classmates never had to worry about not being able to go to school the next month because their parents couldn’t meet the tuition deadline, or if they would be able to pay for the newest pair of uniform shoes. They took these things for granted. The day after after winter break I walked into class wearing my new winter coat that my mom had just bought me for Christmas. All of the other children were sitting playing on their new Nintendo DSI’s that they had received over the break. One of the kids asked, “Louisa, where is your DSI? Don’t you wanna play with us?” I didn’t know how to reply at first. As the nervousness settled into me, I said, “I didn’t get one for Christmas, I got this new coat instead.” Just as I could get the words out of my mouth another kid said, “She didn’t get one because she’s poor.” Immediately, the tears streamed to my eyes. The feeling of shame and embarrassment welled through me as the other kids just stared.
This is an important point to be noted not only because the children used this as a form of bullying, but because it made me feel uncomfortable to participate in the class. Social class is much more important than it is viewed as by most teachers. In an article on social class in the classroom, written by journalist Meghan Smith, she discusses a series of tests performed on a class of children to prove the effect of social and economical class on children. When discussing the results of one of the tests she says, “This can lead to students in lower social classes, or with lower familiarity with a task, to perform even worse than they would have. In other words, highlighting performance gaps with no explanation for the gap can make the gap even wider!” The gap she refers to is that of the gap between children in different social classes. Even though children don’t quite understand what kind of stress and embarrassment child of a lower class feels.
Even though social class is generally looked over now, in the future teachers should be more aware and even create an approach to avoid tension in the classroom. A good solution may be to begin teaching children about social and economic classes from a younger age so that they will have the information they need before they judge someone. Teaching young children about social class could also allow them to view the world around them in different ways and avoid them creating future prejudices. Social class is something that causes children to learn differently and feel uncomfortable in some learning environments, but it never should be. My hope for the future is that someone will break the chain, so that children will never have to feel too embarrassed to learn.
Introduction:
The purpose of my essay is to connect my own personal scene of memory with an outside source. I chose to write about this topic so I can be able advise Muslim girls that we can be able to fit into society and become successful like everyone else. I am proud of my quote analysis because I related it to myself. I followed a format taught in class which helped me to improve. From writing this essay I learned many new creative techniques; how to analyze quotes, and how to connect with outside sources. I want to improve my essay by being more descriptive and by focusing more on a specific event.
Hijab, is something that most Americans had questions about. Everyone would ask me what is the hijab, why do you wear it, what is the purpose. I loved answering these questions because being able to explain the significance of this headscarf made me feel proud. On the other hand, there were always ignorant people that were rude and asked me, “Do you even have hair under that? How are you not hot?” Different emotions would run in and out of my head. As I put on a fake cheerful smile on my face hiding all the anger, I would take a deep breath and be respectful like what my mother taught me and I answer, “I wear this for god not to cover my bald head. In fact, I have a lot of natural, real, long, thick hair.” I would always describe what my hair looks to give them a visual picture of it
Most people would sit there in shock. I loved leaving people shocked and I loved emphasizing how real and natural my hair is. The satisfaction inside of me felt surreal. If only people understood what the hijab represented. I would keep asking myself, why couldn’t it be taught in schools these people need to understand and respect other people’s culture. “Forget Samera you teach them,” I told myself. I tried to remove this envy inside of me and started to thoroughly and passionately explain to them about my hijab, what it represent, how this is who I am, and I love it, instead of bragging about my hair. By doing this brought light into my heart and slowly turned my fake smile into real emotion.
These kinds of questions most frequently happened in school. The school was the hardest place for me to find a way to fit in. I’ve always asked myself why is this so difficult. My personality isn’t bad, I am a nice person. As the years passed by my knowledge started to grow. I started to realize why people would rather be around other girls than a hijabi Muslim. It had nothing to do with my personality, it was all about my identity, the stereotypes, what people saw first, my hijab.
In 7th grade, during history class, I was told that I’m going to be a terrorist when I grow up. I didn’t say anything to stand up for myself. The pain from hearing those words caused me to have a breakdown in class. When your fellow classmate says negative comments to you about your identity makes you feel bad about who you are. It made me lose hope in becoming a doctor, I started to think well now it just looks like I am going to be an ordinary housewife nothing more than that.
Another time was when I was in the park. I was with my siblings when a lady burst out of nowhere and yelled, “go back to your country.” The anger built up inside me and I just wanted to yell, “how the hell am I supposed to go back if I am already in my country.” Instead, I stayed calm and ignored but deep down my siblings and I were terrified. These words that were said to me caused me a lot of emotional and mental pain. It made me realize that I am nothing in this country people would never acknowledge my success because of my religious background.
Being a Muslim woman in America is extremely difficult. This is because the society and the media have built these hateful stereotypes. For example, Muslims are known to be terrorists, women are trapped and are meant to be in the kitchen. This causes young students emotional pain. Not just me but everyone. People set low expectations for us, gives us fewer opportunities to become the best. Societies expectations and negativity not only shut us down from great success but also affects us personally. Most Muslim women who want to be successful are afraid to be judged by society.
Halima Aden, the first hijab-wearing fashion model, explains in a Ted Talk about not being afraid to make herself visible: “It’s about using yourself as a vessel to create change and being a human representation for the power of diversity.” The significant idea Halima demonstrates about taking risks and changes and how this is what being a minority is about. Putting yourself out there making a change is a way to make a difference in society. This quote exemplifies that the hijab isn’t just a piece of clothing that stops Muslim girls to become something successful. It is a way for me to show other people that I am more than just a regular Muslim girl that won’t be able to do anything in life. I am someone just like everyone else; achieving dreams and exceeding societies expectations that are set for me.
It all started to grow in me and affected me. Not being able to fit in, being pushed around because I am a small Muslim girl. Negativity surrounded my head. I’ve started to follow people’s footsteps to satisfy myself and them. It wasn’t just the hijab stopping me it was also the stereotypes that people used that stopped themselves from getting to know me.
Amal Kassir, a Muslim pre-law student, explains in a Ted Talk about what society portrays of her: “On the news, it’s ISIS, Jihadi, suspect, radical, my name is could your Muslim neighbor be an extremist.” Amal explains how hard a Muslim woman works for success but at the end of the day to society think you are nothing. This is because of what the news, social media, and the society depict of Muslims. This quote exemplifies that society has a way to put Muslims down. The stereotypes toward us have had an effect on me
This society has a fixed mindset that Muslim Women are meant to “obey” men and are nothing more than housewives imprisoned in their home with children. Halima Aden and Amal Kassir are two role models that represent all Muslim Women. They proved to society that Muslim women are capable of being successful in life. They justify that we are just like everyone else and have a right to be able to step into the American society and carry on success and better change.
All these negativity toward Muslims causes us to go down and think negatively. It puts us in the wrong mindset and makes us wonder, what is the point of even trying if others are always going to overpower us. I want to prove everyone wrong and show them hijabi Muslims are much more than what society has fixed for us.
The beginning of eighth grade was a stressful period. I was ready to graduate, but I also wanted to perform well. Every year, our school would split the group of 80 students between four different advisors. I was given the advisor I had hoped to receive, which made me even more excited to start the school year. The previous few years I had spent at that school were a large period of discovery. Since I was still considered a new student, I was struggling to come to terms with my identity and personality, so I often attempted to hide these qualities to be more liked. This year, I wanted to show more of my true self.
When I first saw my classroom, I immediately noticed that the room was spacious. Desks were lined into columns which made it easier to move throughout the area. However, I could not focus on examining the room because my concentration shifted to my classmates. They all had wide smiles plastered on their faces, but their nervous eyes revealed their insecurity. We were all afraid to begin a new year, despite eighth grade being regarded as an easy experience.
Throughout the next few months, the class environment was extremely positive. Since the entire student body was focused on graduating, there was little drama and a large amount of kindness. Because of this, I began to feel more optimistic. I was able to act the way I wanted and still feel like I was fitting in. I was confident that things would stay this way until the end of the year.
Eventually, the class became more restless. The days until graduation felt like they were increasing. As a result, the environment speedily shifted from constructive and accepting to negative and cold. The friendliness disappeared. False identities began to fade, revealing true colors. Meanwhile, my identity hid behind the same false one from years back. I was afraid of the consequences of my identity, as students were belittled for having personality traits similar to mine. I thought that changing to fit the school’s new norms would make me happier.
As the year progressed, I wrestled with the idea of having to lie about myself. I was unable to realize if I felt truly happy or not. I was still making friends because of my false identity, but at the cost of my character. Despite this, I still pushed my new self. To many, the idea of having a fake identity is reassuring because it is a survival tactic. However, the human desire to create false identities creates an imbalance between the real and the false characteristics. Real identities become altered by artificial personality traits.
In F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, the main character, Jay Gatsby, lies about his identity to fit in with richer society. He dons a new name and alters his entire past to create a new personality for himself. Further in the book, this new identity is exposed as a front, and the narrator, Nick, discusses Gatsby’s lies with the reader. He claims that “Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter…” (The Great Gatsby, 180) Throughout the story, the green light is constantly utilized as a representation of Gatsby’s hopes. He chases after his hope because it allows him to feel fulfilled. Growing up in a poor family, Gatsby always dreamed of fitting in with the upper class. Thus, he lies about his identity to connect to those he thought he had a relation to, as he had always been chasing an high-class life. However, this desire becomes maleficial to Gatsby. He is viewed as an entirely different person from his past self because of his constant attempts to alter his character. Thus, Gatsby’s change in identity allowed him to fit in at a cost of losing parts of his prior self.
Like Gatsby, I began to realize I was acting differently, even when talking to teachers or at home. This insincere personality was beginning to affect my life in major ways. I was disconnected from others and myself. Impoliteness became a regularity; apathy made me seem compelling. I would pretend I was uninterested in conversations for a few laughs. I would sit in my same classroom, but it felt different. The space became limited and the room felt smaller. In an attempt to fit into my environment, I had lost my identity.
From this point onward, I struggled to redeem my true identity. I worked constantly to remove new negative habits. I attempted to connect with classmates who were willing to be themselves. I changed my manners at home and with teachers. I was afraid to be remembered as a person I did not want to become.
In the film Beasts of the Southern Wild, Hushpuppy, a child who lives with her father, experiences life in an uninhabited area. While Hushpuppy describes her life, she tells the listeners that she is “recording [her] story for the scientists in the future.” She then tells us that “in a million years, when kids go to school, they gonna know: once there was a Hushpuppy, and she lived with her daddy in The Bathtub” (Beasts of the Southern Wild, Released 27 June, 2012). In this quote, Hushpuppy is showing the human need to be remembered for our identity. She wants to be remembered as Hushpuppy from The Bathtub, and not an unnamed child from an unknown place. Hushpuppy’s desire to be remembered stems from her living conditions. She was afraid of being forgotten because she inhabited a closed off society. There are no scientists in her community, proving that her fear is real. The creator of the movie uses Hushpuppy’s struggle to represent society’s fear of not being known by those outside of their community.
In this instance, I felt like Hushpuppy. I was afraid that I would be forgotten, and forget myself, because I was not showing my identity to those around me. I was closed off from the rest of my class because I feared that I would not be remembered for my character. I created a fake one to counteract this, which eventually made me fear being remembered as somebody I was not.
By the end of the school year, I was able to reestablish who I was. The students I attempted to connect with became close friends, and I passed through the last weeks of school confident in myself and my new relationships. By graduation, I was excited for high school. Instead of putting on a facade, I hoped to create genuine connections by not losing my individuality again.
At some point in our lives, we go through a difficult phase. A phase where we don’t know who we are or why we matter, a phase of questioning our existence and motivation to keep progressing. This phase doesn’t creep up on us and, it can really hurt from where it began. Losing a loved one, dreams crushed, failure, poor health, pain, stress; the list goes on for eternity. It hits us just like a snap of a finger and we had no way of knowing.
When we are lost, we have no feelings, we have no opinion, we are empty. A clean slate. One may think this could be the worst thing in the world because it doesn’t make you human. Thandie Newton had a TED talk on the value or non-value of having a “self.” She quoted, “I always wondered why I could feel others' pain so deeply, why I could recognize the somebody in the nobody. It's because I didn't have a self to get in the way. I thought I lacked substance and the fact that I could feel others' meant that I had nothing of myself to feel. The thing that was a source of shame was actually a source of enlightenment.” If you have no feelings, you’re perceived as damaged, but this is an advantage in life because we get to see and learn more. Newton was able to see others’ emotions and understand them because she was lost. It’s “a source of enlightenment” where we can discover new things in our lives. Being lost is like not having an identity and no identity means no judgment. You can see all the options from the different point of views and from there, you can make choices of your own.
An example of someone who feels like they have no identity is Ta-Nehisi Coates, the author of Between the World and Me. In his book, he talks about how school was one of the ways that made him lost. As stated by Coates, “I did not master the schools, because I could not see where any of it could possibly lead” (115). In many cases, students wonder when the information they are given will apply to the real world hence Coates stating “I could not see where any of it could possibly lead.” The idea of not knowing what to do leads to the sense of one being lost because they do not understand the purpose of it all. He became lost because he was confused about the options that were just handed to him.
But this is where Coates was able to see everything as it is. At first, he believed that the world was cruel for people of color like himself and that it was almost entirely impossible to change that. However, when he was lost, he was able to discover more opinions that he hadn’t thought about. He observed how people like himself and people who are completely different from him behaved. He saw individuality, selfishness, fear, confidence, and much more. Through this, he was able to re-accept himself in his own ways while understanding the choices and behaviors of others even if he doesn’t agree with them. From understanding more of what confused him , Coates was able to grow more as a person and still have the advantage of an open mind.
Times when I went through this dark phase was when I’ve lost people who I thought couldn’t live without. I’ve had a recent experience of being lost when I was peeling green beans. I was annoyed by the task but it didn’t matter because I had to help cook if I wanted to eat. My mother walked towards me as she walked out of the kitchen. “What happened to Nasir? You guys haven’t been talking much lately,” she asked concerningly but casually.
“Nothing happened,” I responded monotony. I blanked out because I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t thinking about him before but now I am, which put me in an off mood. She continued to ask me random questions that I didn’t know the answers to. Did I do this, did he do that, did he get a new girlfriend, did you guys fight? I didn’t really know why or what happened. I already accepted that it was okay for humans to change their feelings, but I questioned why it was always them to change their minds. Was it me? Was I not enough or am I just someone who eventually becomes unwanted? It was my third time going through a relationship and they all ended the same way.
But now looking back, I can prove myself wrong. I discovered that for me, love from another person is never enough because true love comes within. Other people may need someone to show them love but, it’s different for me. I only looked at love in one direction, one image, one meaning, one way but the state of being lost showed me otherwise. It forced me to open the doors that were behind me, the doors that I ignored and found unappealing. But the new doors were what I was missing. They were the perspectives that I had never even thought about yet they were the ones that I learned the most from. I picked and chose what I didn’t like and what I do like. I chose me.
Life hits us like a snap of a finger because it’s carving the right path to ourselves. It forces us to be at our worst so we can discover what makes us feel best. But the idea of being lost has more purpose than to smash us down and then rebuild. It’s to break down the walls that narrow our horizon of the things we ignore and don’t know, and then rebuild. The state of the lost phase is truly when we can become the better versions of ourselves because not only can we find ourselves again but we can also understand others. Understanding other beliefs, opinions, thoughts and ideas more will prevent ourselves from becoming lost again.
People with disabilities tend to stand out more than others. In today's world people are quick to judge and talk about you. They assume you are incapable of doing everyday things. We are doubted the minute we step outdoors. The most annoying thing is the stares, whispers, and gossip. I experience this everyday. Having a disability will always be challenging. They can shape me into the person I am today.
Often times people tell me your beautiful. When I am outside there are people with ugly stares and rude comments. The comments are basically dismissing me. They see a disabled girl and automatically believe she doesn't belong here. Nicola griffith once said “ it took me years to feel the sting of nondisabled peoples dismissal”. Everyone has the thought of not being wanted. At times i say I am a burden to my family. Always having to ask for help is annoying for them at times. Even if they don't say it I know they think it.
Sometimes it is hard to accept that I am pretty even with a disability. Trying to brush off the stares and, gossip the minute I walk outside is hard. In December I dealt with an incident with stares and gossip and let those people get the best of me. I went to church with my mom and siblings. A group of students from her job were performing “he's able”. After service we attended a mini art show. One of the choir boys looked at me and continued staring at me. Then he told his friend to do the same thing. The first boy whispered he’s scared of me to his friend. I pretended to not care and walked away. Unfortunately, the boys found me again and asked “are you ok”. Again I walked away, this time was different though. I started crying and let my emotions get the best of me.
Shortly after this incident I was reminded of my worth. My friend told me “ You were made to stand out and be different, and you are great and beautiful just the way you are”. This helped me feel better about who I am as a person. I knew my true beauty with my disability included. Nowadays, I try to not let what people think of me affect me. The more I don't care about what people think, the more I begin to love myself. I have accepted that life will always be a challenge. However I will stay true to myself no matter what people say.
As a disabled person, we choose to either be a victim or live our life to the fullest. I watched a buzzfeed video titled Always live your best life !. In the video she says “ you can conquer everything that they told you couldn't do and be out here winning”. Having a condition does not mean your exempt from being your best yourself. You are pretty and special just like every other human being. We are able to do things we have always wanted to do. Also we have our own way of doing things.
In our society people like to categorize each other. They singlehandley group people together and label them. Disabled people are silently judged all their life. We get the ugly stares, gossip about our looks. People are not mature enough to ask about why we look this way. Instead they judge us and believe we are unable to be pretty without looking like everyone else. As a community we should be more welcoming to compliment one another. Especially anyone who stands out and has a disability. We are not exempt just because we have a disability. However we tend to stand out more than others.
Some people may see disability as a weakness. Its like society thinks less of us because we have a condition. When people whisper and stare they do it for enjoyment. I pretend to do my best to ignore them. Ignoring them helps me become a stronger person. My confidence within myself grows after each stare and comment. Nobody should be singled out because they look different. When we categorize ourselves it gives people the power to single us out.
Having a disability does not mean your less prettier than someone else. Your disability will always a part of you. Never forget your true beauty no matter what you experience. Each little annoying stare and gossip will make you greater. Every incident I endured was for the greater good. Those incidents gave me power to know my true worth.
Introduction
The purpose of my essay is to explore the impact of identity labels, and the significance they have for individuals in the process of self-discovery. There is also a focus on the role that community plays in self-acceptance. The communication of these concepts was accomplished through recalling my personal journey to understanding and accepting my gender identity. Within this essay, I feel that one of my strengths was integrating a metaphor that supports my main point. I used the idea of a journey to represent the process of self discovery, and a canyon as a metaphor for the barrier between living without a sense of self and existing within a community as an individual defined on their own terms. It serves to define the vast difference between self-realization and self-acceptance. Additionally, I am proud of my success in completing tasks on time. In my next paper, I will challenge myself to clearly establish my main point earlier on in the process. Additionally, I would like to work towards communicating my ideas in a more concise and powerful manner.
For much of my life, I never bothered to reflect on who I was. I accepted what other people told me about my identity, whether I liked it or not. I assumed that any individual’s identity was not self-discovered, but was determined by those around that individual. However, I have learned that my identity, and the process of existing as my truest self, belongs entirely to me. I will not sacrifice my sense of self just to appease society, nor to lessen the resistance I face as a result of my existence and expression of self.
For the past several years, I have gone through an exploration of and acceptance of my genderqueer identity. The first time I thought about it is a memory from when I was in 8th grade. The moment when I learned what the word cisgender meant, something clicked for me. In conversation with a friend, the word came up. I asked what it meant. “Cisgender refers to anyone who identifies as the gender they were born as. That's you and me,” my friend explained. My brain instantly went, “That's not me… is that me? I am not sure.” And then I went on to dwell on it periodically for a significant portion of time, in between long periods of denial.
During those long periods of denial, I often felt that I did not know myself, that I had not yet been given the knowledge of who I truly was. I knew people existed on the other side of the canyon, in a land of understanding themselves and being who they truly were. I did not understand that one could travel from one side to the other. The truth is, everyone has a canyon to cross. Everyone has a part of who they are that they must discover and move towards. The moment we must make a change, we are tempted to deny the journey that has brought us to the moment. We cannot unlive the journey. To sit at the barrier is to waste away into nothingness, to resign oneself to a confused, empty, and meaningless fate. To bridge the canyon is to find validation within. Once having reached a pivotal point in self-discovery, we can connect where we are and where we want to be. It is to build a bridge and pass over the canyon, rather than jump into the abyss.
One of the steps over the bridge for me was to share my thoughts with one of my mothers. I told her that I thought I was genderqueer. We were in a car. I spent the whole ride, on the way to see a dentist, getting up the courage to bring up the topic. Finally, as we got back into the car after the appointment to go home, I told her. Her response crushed me.
“Just promise me,” she said, with a clearly disappointed tone to her voice, “that you won’t turn into a man.” She slid into the car, and slammed the door behind her.
A cocktail of sadness, disappointment, anger at her, self-doubt, and self-loathing welled up inside me, sloshing around. I was either going to cry, or going to explode: her words, now fading into the tense silence, were the smoldering match to my gasoline. “Who ever said that I wanted to be a man?!” I sputtered, “I just want to be me. How is that the first response you, a self-proclaimed trans-ally, have. It’s like you are supportive of everyone, no matter what, until that person is your own kid.”
“Yeah. I guess so,” she unashamedly agreed, as if she saw nothing wrong with it.
We sat in silence.
Many people will cross this bridge with you, and many will try to hold you back. Many people will cheer you on from the other side, and many will demand that you turn away, or else jump. Belonging is not guaranteed. Turning back is to make more difficult the path for the next traveler; to desecrate the faith of the folks across the canyon. Continuing forward is tearing yourself away from the arms that have cradled you and embraced you since you were young. But everyone has a place where they fit in, even if they must travel far to find it. I may not fit exactly in with the puzzle I was packaged with, but I fit in with my community. The more people like me I have met, the more I have learned to accept myself. As I have gained confidence through embracing this community, I have found my place. I have claimed my right to exist shamelessly as I am. I am genderqueer, and my existence is mine. Identity is for an individual to define. To sacrifice one’s well being just to appease others is to peel away and discard the unique meaning of that individual’s existence.
As explained by Jill Soloway, film director and writer of the television show Transparent, “The category of nonbinary or gender-queer feels like a relief to me. It's sort of a safe home, a place in which my self wishes to reside…. I know it’s awkward and hard to understand, but all we have is the language. These words are attempting to catch up to something that is a question of how one exists inside one’s mind or one’s soul.” (Glamour interview, Ann Friedman, 9/14/17)
I knew who I was, but had trouble accepting myself. I had internalized so much of the negative responses and resistance I had been met with. It would be so much easier if I could just be who they wanted me to be. It would be easier if I had never discovered my identity in the first place, but that was impossible. Having a sense of self is a part of the human experience; an integral part of existence. It would be so much easier to opt out of the human experience, but that was clearly not an option. As I struggled with myself, figuring out my identity, I replayed many of the responses of people close to me:
“I never knew you weren’t happy on this side of the canyon.”
“You seemed to fit in so well when you were younger.”
“We would miss you. Just promise me you won’t go.”
“You’ll regret it. I screwed a lot of things up when I was a teenager.”
“I accept that you wish to be over there, so long as you stay on this side.”
“This is just a phase. A trend.”
“Fake. Liar. Special snowflake.”
Where I see my journey to happiness, they see the withering of an image they had of me. They see an imposter killing off the person they thought they knew, wearing the skin of their loved one, asking for help to irreversibly change it.
Am I really a monster? A fake? An imposter? A special snowflake, just begging for attention in a way that is guaranteed to cause me agony and make my life significantly more difficult?
No. Because voices also echo from the other side.
“Change what you cannot live with. Learn to love the rest,” advises a more experienced traveler, already trod on the path I follow.
Among them, is a quote from queer activist Kate Bornstein: “There’s a bunch of people who used to think ‘I’m a terrible person for changing my gender’ or ‘I’m a terrible person because I’m f**king same-sex people’ and people are now understanding that, no, trans is not mean to anybody. Queering up your sexuality isn’t mean to anybody.” (Huffpost interview, James Nichols, 10/10/15, updated 8/10/16)
The open arms of those who have traveled this path before me, cheer me on.
Self-discovery is a process. I am constantly evolving; growing as a person. For a long time, when I doubted myself, I thought that this made my understanding invalid. Now, I feel that doubt is inevitable. It is a landmark along the trail of self-discovery, just before the point of making a decision. It would be so simple to stop, to never cross that barrier.
But if we do not carry on, what are we to do? We must continue forward, as we cannot turn back. Since my first moments of questioning my identity, I have learned to reflect on all aspects of my identity on a deeper level. I am now self-aware in a way I never would have thought possible.
Where do I go now? Many people see a genderqueer identity as highly politicized. It is true that identity in the context of society is political and formative of the present moment, as well as the future of humans as social beings. Labels can be used to create both division and community. But identity on an individual basis has a more fluid meaning. For me, I exist in the way I have always existed: as myself. Now, I put a label on it because that label fits and that label creates a sense of community for me. Identifying as genderqueer connects me to the community that I have discovered myself in. This sense of community so powerful and necessary. My genderqueer identity is made up of me existing and putting a label that fits onto my existence. This has been a long journey for me, and I know it is one that will last forever. I know who I am in this moment, and look forward to continuing to discover myself. I will not sacrifice my sense of self just to appease a society that claims I do not exist.
Scene of memory
Shhh. Silence. I told myself throughout my middle school career.
I barely spoke I don’t know why I had so much fear.
From my head to my toe, silence was my only solution.
So I barely spoke all the years of middle school that was basically my conclusion.
My peers asked,” Why don’t you talk.”
I responded with a shrug of my shoulders
I never spoke and my silence was tough like a boulder.
I still got work done that wasn’t even an issue.
I got all A’s man but the silence I still continued.
I was too nervous to speak I didn’t know what to say.
I go to bed and wake up and do it again the next day.
That all changed when I went to high school and track came along.
My voice became clear and my courage became strong.
I felt like I belong
I’m no longer afraid
to talk to my peers without the shade
Sun light the silence will fade
Spray the silence away with the raid.
Two sides of the same brown penny
Silence or not my courage is now plenty.
In the U.S. there is always the constant idea of belonging. People are always trying to find a place, group, or even gang to find where people share the same ideas you share. That’s why when people are in a group they feel more comfortable because they feel like they can contribute to their group. That’s why we connect with family because we’re with them for the majority of our life. When we leave the house we need to have the sense of belonging again. This belonging can be a blessing but also a curse and blind people because of belonging.
In a news report from, CNN written by, Amanda Enayati, called “The Importance of belonging” talks about the science and psychology of belonging and it states, “‘Belonging is a psychological lever that has broad consequences,’ writes Walton. ‘Our interests, motivation, health and happiness are inextricably tied to the feeling that we belong to a greater community that may share common interests and aspirations.’” The idea that this quote demonstrates is everyone experiences the idea of belonging that when they don’t have anybody they’ll start feeling lonely. They start being taken advantage of if they’re desperate and will face “broad consequences.” It’s because we all share “common interests” that we think people wouldn’t want to take advantage of one another but in reality people don’t always share the same “aspirations”. It’s because belonging is a “psychological” thing that sometimes it can cause us to be blind to even the most obvious forms of being taken advantage of.
On the other hand, in a article called “On Belonging” by Marianna Pogosyan Ph.D., she talks about good and bad things about belonging with researchers to back her up and it states,” Belonging, thus, offers "reassurance that we are not alone," says Ms. Hattaway. That it’s not just us, even at times of loneliness and isolation (whether as newcomers to a college, or a foreign country).” From this point of view you can see how belonging can make you feel at home. It helps you understand you “are not alone”, no matter where you came from, no matter you’re identity, you’re never alone and you don’t have to be. When you try to recieve belonging it can make you vulnerable for the first few stages but when or if the people accept you, then you feel happiness and comfort. Being isolated and not being around others can be unhealthy and can have consequences if you’re alone to long but, when you have people that support you the pain, the joy, the sadness, can be shared so you don’t have to go through life alone. You have “reassurance” that people (or rather friends) have your back especially when you’ve been friends for a long time. Time can play a huge role in belonging to because if you’ve been in a group, partner, etc. for awhile you’ll view them as more trustworthy compared to a first encounter with a person because with the first encounter you haven’t had enough time to even get to know the person so you wouldn’t be sure if they even share you ideas or not. That’s why time and belonging also go hand and hand.
Also in the Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, a character named Jay Gatsby was looking for belonging with a girl named Daisy and found it but had to leave because of his duties as a soldier so Daisy ended up being married to a man named Tom. Around 5 years later Jay found Daisy again. In this quote it talks about how Daisy has to choose either Tom or Jay and it starts off with Jay saying,”’Daisy that’s all over now,’ he said earnestly.’It doesn’t matter any more. Just tell him the truth-that you never loved him-and it’s all wiped out forever.’...She began to sob helplessly. ‘I did love him once -but I loved you too.” This quote demonstrates the idea that Jay is really pressing on Daisy to make her be with him even though she has a husband. The thing is that Jay and Daisy had a history together in the past and that relationship, that belonging has stayed in both of their hearts that they both yearn for something like that. The problem is that Daisy found that belonging with Tom and Jay is stuck by himself still yearning for that belonging and love. You can tell Daisy still has feelings for Tom when she said “but I loved you too” and it’s an interesting choice of words there because Daisy says loved like she use to love Jay and too meaning I loved you in the past which probably made Jay feel hurt that the person that he was looking for after their first encounter ended up loving another man. You can see how obsessed Jay is while trying to get back with this woman, and he is trying to make Daisy say she never ever loved Tom. Jay is probably thinking that only he belongs to Daisy and only Daisy belongs to him.
As a recap when you yearn for belonging it can be your best friend. Knowing that others share what you feel can be a really good feeling. It helps you go through life without the world on your shoulders. On the other hand, searching for belonging blindly can be very dangerous and can come with consequences, like being taken advantage of. This is why you need to be careful if you searching for belonging and look for signs to see in you’re being taken advantage or if the person/ group your with is legit.
In this episode of Jash we will discuss the author intent. we going to have a fun and exciting last episode. We hope you enjoyed The Jash podcast.
Evidence:
Chapter 12-25
Link:
https://youtu.be/e2nPtX7IBgc
Many people’s coming out stories have tales of shame, guilt, and lack of self-acceptance. For my personal coming to terms with my sexual orientation story, none of that showed up. I sort of just one day said to myself, “Wait a minute” and realized that this feeling of infatuation towards women and those female-presenting alike was not jealousy or admiration, it was attraction. I didn’t feel any shame, even though a couple years prior same-sex couples really freaked me out. Sure, it was unfamiliar and strange to imagine my future with a woman having never considered it before, but it didn’t scare me or make me feel bad about myself. I figured, similarly to Ellen DeGeneres’ coming out experience, “Oh well.” In an interview with Time Magazine, she demonstrates an underlying acceptance that some LGBTQ people carry within themselves. It’s a concise statement in its nature, but a self-affirming phrase that allows LGBTQ people like me to move forward with their lives and keep moving regardless of struggles that may arise out of realizations about sexual orientation.
I wasn’t always so accepting. As a kid, although I had a gay father figure, gay teachers, gay family members whom I all loved, (and was a soon-to-realize queer person myself), I had a hard time being comfortable with queerness.
My family and I were meant to be meeting up with my godmother, Kim, and her fiancée for lunch. I was sat in a booth squished between my parents in a hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant that white college boys went to for Margaritas every Monday night. Needless to say, I was already fed up. But nothing could have prepared me for when Kim and Sophia walked in.
My parents had already told me that Kim was marrying a woman, but I still squirmed in my seat upon glancing at Sophia’s hand around my godmother’s waist. They said their hellos to my parents and to me. I smiled awkwardly, trying my best not to show how uncomfortable I was.
The meal was frankly unbearable. I picked through the mountain of chicken and various toppings on my plate and tried my hardest not to stare as Sophia rubbed her partner’s shoulder. I felt as though I was watching a scary movie - it was awful but I couldn’t help but keep watching. I watched, and watched, and watched.
Contrary to popular belief, I personally think a lot of your acceptance level comes from how you self-identify. When I thought that I was straight, same-sex couples were hard to swallow. Although not immediately afterward, I began to realize I wasn’t as straight as I thought, my capacity for tolerance began to shift. That’s in no way to say that straight people aren’t capable of being accepting of different sexualities, just that in my experience my queer identity had a direct correlation to my acceptance.
That being said, if being LGBT causes you to broaden your horizons when it comes to tolerance, why do so many queer people struggle with accepting their identities? I think this is where your background, culture, and upbringing come into play. I’d like to quote a TEDx Talk by a stand-up comedian, Mike King: “How we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” As I mentioned earlier, I was surrounded by LGBT people and their allies alike all of the time growing up. I had no reason to think that my identity was wrong once I realized I wasn’t straight. I figured, “If I’m queer, then maybe people like that aren’t scary and gross, they’re exactly who I was raised to think they are.” I finally began to see LGBT people in the light that I was raised to see them in.
Uh
R.I.P to my boy Duncan
Classic stuff
I'm looking for Macbeth Who killed my babies
a handful of England
Sprinkle of lil’ Scott land
Man, I don't really care I'm rockin with lil Malcolm
But if he backs down when we fighting then peace
Im tryna get Siward to join us in the war
All he want to do is get is kid perform
I want to beat Macbeth up make sure its a K-O
Cut his head off I aint playing no more yo.
Somebody go and make sure Lady ok though
I heard she telling doctors that Macbeth aint do it isolo
I know Macbeth want to kill me now, then come get at me
Man maybe I should let him think we about let him free
All he ever want to do is stay lying and stuff
Man I need his people to know he turned my whole family to dust
Banquo’s son is worth a hundred milli, he better buy me some stuff
But ion know is he hitting the throne or if they ready duff
It's too late to say sorry I'm ready to whoop him
He really killed my whole family now revenge is coming for him
Man fife was my baby, I didn't want an L
But i'll be back when it's time to take Macbeth to hell
Used to mess with him now I ain't addressing him no more
Caught him plotting against Duncan I aint accepting it no more
I always knew that he was shady that's why I moved to England
How he feeling bad for Duncan?
He killed him by hand.
Dreams of killing Macbeth..
I'm not playing because Im slaying (4x)
Yeah
Be careful, be careful, be careful with me
Yeah, look
I wanna get married, be a queen stop playing
But I want this more than you really do
Gave you a plan to that kill that old man
Now we aint really bout to go out like this
I tried to show you all you need was water man
But you went out and found a sea to wash your hands
I guess its fine now we both dead wow
What really was our vows?
I cant help but think about what we been
But now I figured we are just a trend
Macduff done came for your head man
Is this the end?
Tomorrow Tomorrow Tomorrow Tomorrow Tomorrow
What about today? You were so worried. Had your head stuck in the hay
Come on now I taught better than this
What about that old man he had so much blood down his hip-
Gimme dat Duncan
I just copped the biggest gown in the castle
Cause I wanted it
Man, I took the drip, they sucked it up, I got it all now
I got a new crown, I have the throne now they bow down
Feeling these drugs, Im seeing banquo
I can't focus
That ain't your crown, you wish you had it, but I stole it
If I'm in the room, quiet down while i'm talking
The gold just came back in in all hundreds
Vibes galore, cute stuff, they all on me
I'm from Inverness where young kings run things
I know they hating on me but who got the crown now?
I can get anything I want
What you mean? I am king now
I shall drip too hard don't stand too close
You gon’ mess around and drown get off my wave
Doing all these meets, Macduff ain't been around
He don't want no smoke anywhere I go
Don't give me bad lil’ vibes, and don't be on my mind
As soon as I see it, you will get slayed
Do this all the time this ain't no surprise
Tragic hero? Man I am Macbeth!
I fought for you
The hardest, it made me unbalanced
So tell me your secrets
I just can’t stand to see you bleeding
But hell couldn’t wait for you
No, hell couldn't wait for you
Hell couldn't wait for you
No, Hell couldn't wait for you
So gooo on go home
They laughed at the darkness
So scared that you lost it
We stood in the castle
I showed you soap was all you needed
But hell couldn’t wait for you
No, hell couldn't wait for you
Hell couldn't wait for you
No, Hell couldn't wait for you
So gooo on go home
But hell couldn’t wait for you
No, hell couldn't wait for you
Hell couldn't wait for you
No, Hell couldn't wait for you
So gooo on go home
But hell couldn’t wait for you
No, hell couldn't wait for you
Hell couldn't wait for you
No, Hell couldn't wait for you
So gooo on go home
