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I've been a writer. I started writing when I was 12. They were little poems that followed the AB pattern and rhymed every other line. I never invested the time to develop an advanced vocabulary so the poems consisted of overused words, but they were my poems. They were my thoughts in 12, or 14, or 24 sized font. And I cherished each poem that I started, whether I completed them or not; because they were my poems. They were my thoughts in black, or, blue, or pink ink on white paper. Those poems turned into short stories, which very quickly turned into never- ending stories.   

I am a writer. I haven't written a poem in months; but I work on my novels daily. I've added a few words to my vocabulary, but not many. The stories still seem never ending; written in pure dramatization and ending abruptly. I save any deleted content and value everything. Because these stories or scenes, are my escape into a life that I have created. A life that has been stuffed onto a 13- inch screen, but can never be limited in words, font size, or font color.

But I've never shared anything with anyone outside my comfort zone. It may seem strange my comfort zone includes people that I don't interact with physically on a day- to- day basis. I've shared my creations online or through email. I've sent 100 pages of imagination to people that live in Oklahoma, or Chicago. But when my best friend since 10th grade asks me to send him something, I get nervous. I anticipate judgement. 

I am a writer; I've been a writer. But I want to be a publisher. 


     

There are about a million things that people have to do as a routine part of their lives in order to survive in the world we've created for ourselves. I mostly hate all of them. I hate filling out tax forms and keeping track of receipts, I hate folding laundry and I hate paying bills, I hate filling out little forms where I have to answer an endless amount of questions that are all asking the same thing as the one previous. I hate having to memorize a government issued number and I hate being put on hold when I'm trying to figure out about when the next time I have to go get new blood work done is.
Despite hating all of these things though I can usually find at least one thing that is likable about each of them so that I can somehow get through them without completely having a panic attack. For instance when I'm on hold I usually try to come up with fake names and meanings for all the songs they play while I'm waiting on the phone.
But when it comes to grocery shopping, I just can't take it. I don't know if it's the ugly packaging, the crappy music, the zillions of people who don't know how to move their carts to the side while browsing to let other people get by, or the employees who understandably hate their jobs and take it out on me when I ask them for help, but every time I set foot in a grocery store, I begin to feel physically ill.
Today I had to go grocery shopping for my great great cousin who is 84 and nearly blind. I help him often, I come over at least twice a week for at least four house. I helped him with a lot of things that I listed above today in fact, I folded his laundry and I helped him fill out his taxes and I even called the hospital for him and waiting patiently on hold to find out when his next eye doctor meeting was.
Anyway, every time I go grocery shopping for him he makes me this list that takes up at least four pages, half of the reason it takes up so much space is because I think he forgets sometimes that I still have my vision so he right REALLY big, but also, every time he makes a list, he's preparing for the apocalypse. (Mind you I get him groceries every other monday.) Today he had me buy four packs of 24 pack toilet paper rolls. I bought 30 bagles and 8 bags of family sized chips and they all needed to be Lays and they ALL needed to be a different flavor. He is adamant against all things not name brand even if they are less than half the price of what he listed. He hates all things organic even when they taste the same and cost the same. When I leave after putting away all his groceries to go home he takes every single item out of his fridge and examines it under this super CCTV that he has that magnifies things up to ten times the size and if he sees the word "organic" or "shopright" anywhere he calls me up and complains. He also asks for things that no one has ever heard of, today he had listed "pickled herring in light salted sour cream sauce VITA BRAND NAME it has a blue label and is in a plastic bottle" I nearly vomited, I didn't think real people ate those things. He asked for four large bottles of hazelnut creamer like he does every single time I go shopping and somehow he manages to use it all before the next time I get there, I suspect he drinks it out of a mug like orange juice several times a day.
He asked me to get him four pounds of liverwurst. Liverwurst by the way is the most poorly named product in the history of foods. I waited in line with a stupid little number in the deli section of shoprite for nearly 45 minutes. I suppose it seems dramatic but it's also true, that while i was standing their next to those dozens of old people waiting for their sliced up meats I felt like I was actively dying. I know it is mean to say but some of those people looked like they are decaying even as they are standing there in front of me, they looked like they were falling apart right in front of my face. Everything in my body was telling me that I needed to leave that store right away, that I needed to friggen lean all the groceries in the cart and make a break for it because it was a beautiful day today, it was in the 60's and those grocery stores look like prisons, they look like 70's era public schools. Something about being in grocery stores makes me feel like I'm shaving years off my life, it was the worst part of my day.

I don't think I have much to write really, so this story will be kind of lame. Anyway, I started my Capstone today which is teaching an 8th grade class about medical history. We started with osteology. I was panicking all week because when I went to introduce myself last week I was pathetic and could barely figure out what to say when put on the spot in front of the class. It kind of discouraged me and made me not want to go back, but I felt like I was too deeply committed to be able to back out of it now. 

However, this class went fantastic. Everything literally fell into place and all the students actually seemed interested, even taking notes and yelling at me if I went too fast for them to write. It was insane and awesome at the same time. 

Kevin( my little brother)

" I remember one time I really didn't feel like going to school and mom specifically told me I had to go this day and I decided to be stubborn and just stay. So I decide I'm just gonna stay in my room until she goes to work. Well and hour passes, past the time she was supposed to leave and I start to get nervous. ohhhh my God, Kat, she called out! The one day I decide to stay home is the one day she wants to call off. So I'm thinking to myself it's cool, she never checks my room anyways so i'l be fine. But then I hear her walking in the hallway, to the bathroom and to her room and downstairs to her room; she just wouldn't stay still, and every time I heard her walk someone i was so scared (LOL). The messed up part was not that I got caught it's how I got caught and in which moment. ok, so, as I'm hiding  out, feeling like Ann Frank in the Attic, trying not to make any noise I suddenly have to pee! I tried to hide it as long as I could and I peeked outside of my door and she has both her room door and th bathroom door open, so it was automatically not an option to try and use the bathroom without being caught. It was too risky... Kat.. don't judge me. I really! Really! Really! had to go.. So i found a bottle in my room and used it if u know what i mean! :( .. literally a minute later all I hear is my scream, "KEVIN get down here!".. I forgot my book-bag downstairs. smh

 Don't Forget, your beautiful.

You light up the nigh, fireworks,

show me a good time and My heart will go on.

What would I do to FInd your unforgettable love?

Shut it down and light it up!

What would you do?

Don't forget to Miss me.

Good Times.

Today was the perfect day! I went to Colgate University, I went shopping, and I ate ice-cream [chocolate and cream] … It was awesome! I got home at around 9:00 pm and I noticed that I’ll have a quiz tomorrow [I haven’t yet study] I have 3 assignments to do. It is crazy! I’m probably going to stay up all night studying for the quiz. Well at least I can say that today was a perfect day [from 6 a.m. to 9 p.m.]

 I shuffled through my iTunes till my favorite song blasted out my ears as Park Bom sang loudly opening lines "YOU AND I TOGETHER IT JUST FEELS SO RIGHT". I turned down the volume and looked at the screen. It was ironic that a person me and my friend were debating about came on my iTunes. I clicked back on to here box she went on aruging.
"You totally look like her"
"I do not she is korean"
"You have the same nose"
"I have my mother's nose"
"Your eyes are the same"
"Eh I doubt it"
-she sent a picture to me-
"See you look the same"
"You seriously think so?"
"Yes"
"Well I dunno..."

After that argument almost a year ago you can say I am convinced that at times we look a tiny bit alike. But not always it is just a bit a those random moments.

Video

Today, for what seemed like the first time in years but had actually only been a few weeks I chilled with my best friend after school. It lasted three hours, and it was wonderful. I had an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach all day when I hadn't seen her because we had no classes together and I hadn't seen her in the morning because I had gym class downstairs. So, when I finally met her at our locker I got extremely happy and smiled my brightest grin, and then I found out she was going to spend time with me. Needless to say, I was more excited than I have been in a long time because we almost never hang out anymore. So, today was a good day.

Snip Snip Snip. I watched small curly pieces of my hair fall onto the smock. Normally when Ms. Pat, my hair dresser, cut my hair I do not worry, but today was a different story. See, I had already only had about 1 inch of hair to begin with, so this time was extremely scary. Conveniently, she faces the chair away from the mirror, so i have no idea what I am in store for when I turn around.​ Snip Snip Snip *pause to get bigger scissors* "You got to be kidding me" I though. Snip Snip. This goes on for another 10 mins. When she turns me around *silence* I have no hair. Ok, that's an exaggeration, but it's very close to it. I couldn't believe she would main me like this. I have trusted this women for years, and then she does this. As she messes with it, she says in her thick Trinidadian accent, "I looks real good. We gon grow it natural and then for prom we fix it up...ok?"
"Ok" I replied. Not Ok! I  was completely devastated. I went into the small bathroom and tried to convince myself that life in prison is not worth a couple inches of hair.
After I paid her and left, I got into my mom's car and let it all out. "I'M BALD!"
"No, you're not" she says.
"Do you see this...?" I replied as I looked at her long thick locks that I immediately  became jealous of.
"It looks cute, plus it's only hair" At that moment all my whining and complaining stopped. She was completely right (which is a rare thing), it's only hair. This had been my mantra for the past couple of months since I cut my hair. I guess I forgot it when I realized I had no 'hair' to say 'it's only' to.
When I got home I spent about 30 minutes in the mirror, trying to make it 'work' for me. After awhile a gave up, cause once again I realized it's only hair.

Harrison: Hey
Me: What? You woke me up
Harrison: Is my wallet at your house
Me: I don't know
Harrison: Can you check?
Me: ugh fine.
Me: I don't see it
Harrison: Can you check outside?
Me: Not there
Harrison: Check under the couch
Me: IT'S NOT HERE!
Harrison: oh nvm. It was in my coat pocket. LOL

Today was our english classes first ever story slam. In the beginning when Chase became to call names, everyone looked around as if people forgot what today was.

"Pick a number 1-30!" He shouted.

For a second I was nervous because I thought we had to prepare something but after the first person went up and read their story. It was relaxed through out the rest of the story slam and was very comfortable. Stories told from your heart dont need preparation but just memory and everything else is for show. I was eagerly waiting after the first person went to hear my name be called because now I wanted to do it. I never usually get nervous but for a second I was worried that everyone had a story prepared and it was going to be exactly five minutes and official. I noticed that everyone was in the same boat I was in which was better for me to get out of that nervous stage, like when you first try something new. but it seems like ill have to wait until next Tuesday to get another chance to say my story...

HOLC

Home Owners Loan Corporation

Every summer my youth group goes down to Jenny's Creek, West Virginia to run a kid's camp for a week. I'm convinced that Jenny's Creek is like nowhere else. First off, it's incredibly beautiful. It's this valley with huge mountains everywhere you look, covered in trees. You can see the stars at night- me and my friends would lay out on the grass every night for hours, just staring at them. 

The first year I went, I couldn't believe somebody could actually live somewhere they could see that every single day of their lives. Here's a picture, to prove it. :] I wish I had a picture of the stars, but sadly enough it seems that stars are near impossible to get a picture of :/

Jenny's Creek blew me away. But all that... nature and green stuff... is just normal down there. Also normal is living in a trailer. Everybody does. Some trailers are nicer than others, with added-on porches and whatnot but that's basically the level of poverty there. Some of the kids don't really have shoes... the rich ones have cable TV. The kids are super tough too. The stuff they have to handle every day... it's crazy. 

I remember this one time when one of the adults, Steve, was driving a van around all the little backroads to pick up some kids for the camp. He gets to the first house and stops for a 10 year old boy and his little sister. The sister's on their porch all scared and the brother's out in front of their house with this huge gun. It's practically bigger than him and he's shooting it at the ground. Then he puts the gun back in the house and the two kids run over to the van. The boy says with a grin, "Hey Steve wanna see the yellowback I just killed?"

 If you don't know what a yellowback is... its a snake. A really bad one. They told us about these snakes as a way to make sure we were so scared we'd stay out of the creek. And this ten-year-old kid just shot it dead and went off to kids camp. Another normal summer day...

The terrors I endure for family...

This is my comparison bar graph

*Clicks Pen*

*Thinks*
Dear Diary,

Only you know the true feelings of my heart and my mind.
Only you listen without judgment and leave me with a blank answer everytime.
You know everything about me.
So once again, I ask you.
Hear Me Out.

*Starts Writing. . . . . .*

I just need a break from everything.
I don't like this feeling, everybody trying to control my life.
I just want to live it.


I just wanna sleep, yea sleep will make everything better.


What is my purpose in life?!
Going through this active coma striving for greatness and we are all going to the same place.
You know some days, I just want everything to be over.
I keep imagining walking out on a red light, or getting stuck in between a crossfire.
I have dreams about dying.
This is not right, I shouldn't feel this way at all.
Something is wrong.
There are many days when I just want to cry all night, into the day, back into the night.


I just wanna sleep, yea sleep will make everything better.


No One understands and it just gets worst.
This is not a suicide flash or anything like that, I'm ok,
It's just really hard for me right now.

I just wanna sleep, yea sleep will make everything better.

These days are being pushed together, mushed up.
And I feel like an outsider to everything.
Watching the world past me by and I can't do but so much.

I just wanna sleep, yea sleep will make everything better.


I am confused all of the time,
The emotions inside me are definitely shooting off flares.
I am NEVER happy.
I AM NEVER CONTENT.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!


I just wanna sleep, yea sleep will make everything better.

*" Yo, Morgan, you good?"*
*crumbles paper*
*Smile, " Yea, Im good"*

​If you get a chance, listen to this song.

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
So far away from where you are
Standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
{ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/l/lifehouse-lyrics/from-where-you-are-lyrics.html }
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

Cuando los Eflos de Keebler Rebelde por Maya Wright