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Never Forget

By: Teyonna Little

Lyric, I keep telling you: Life ain’t fair. You keep comparing yourself to those girls and what they have. You think they're happy? No! They’re insecure. Sure they might have been through some things, some struggles. But I’m sure they have never been through what you’ve been through. There is a reason you are not like them. I wasn’t like them either. Let me tell you something. (she points finger to her daughter’s chest) I was suffering. (she point at her own chest, face slightly frowned). Suffering from a brutal and harsh reality. My reality was waking up and being raped, molested and verbally abused for six got damn years. (she yells) I wasn’t loved, I didn’t get new clothes or new iPhones. Shit! I didn’t even get a birthday cake. Yet each morning, I walked out of a house, a so called “home” everyday covering up my pain and my hurt. And you got the nerve to compla… (pause and takes a deep breath; restraining from getting even more angry) For so long, anger consumed me. Depression. Hell yeah. Stress. Most definitely. But I had to hold on. I had to keep praying. I had to keep fighting. I came to a point in my life where I was mad at the world. Always getting into fights. Face down, ass in the air. Cursing in every sentence I said. I had no respect for myself. I was out of control. (she looks at her daughter innocently) Listen sweetheart, I speak from experience,

I come from a place of suicidal ideation, ignorance, carelessness, low self-esteem. You don’t even have a clue. That was me. (says stronger and more firm) That was me. And babygirl, I know you’ve been through some things as well.  But you have to press. You can’t complain about not being like those girls. You weren’t created to fit in, you were created to stand out. Oh, how I wish you could see it as clear as I do. But you will never be like them, you will always be you and no one else but you.

I want you to look into the mirror everyday and see something that you thought was never there. At your lowest, darkest moments, look at your reflection, at your beautiful face and say “I am beautiful. I am loved. I am worthy. I am intelligent. I am respectful. I will forgive, I will respond to B.S. differently. I will learn self-control. I won’t be depressed. I will succeed. I will stand up for what I believe in. I won’t act on impulse. I won’t curse any more. I will no longer let anger take over me. I will be a changed person.” Because God is just that great. He loves me. And my past will not define me or my future. And don’t let your past define you. Look into your  beautiful big brown eyes, Cry if you need to. I’ll cry with you. Look into your eyes baby, do you see that glow, my daughter, do you see it? Let it show. You are amazing in spite of your flaws, in spite of your pain. Who cares if your mother came from a terrible background? I’m here, aren’t I? You’re taking care of, aren’t you? You’re loved. I love you. God loves you. Understand this: there will be many more struggles and obstacles ahead of you. Life is never going to quit throwing darts at it’s target. But you keep on dodging and dipping like you know how. But most of all, you keep your head up and never forget your worth, my baby. Never forget. (pause and a smile with a tear)

Tech Presentation Script.

I started out with the two sports that I play and love, baseball and basketball. These sports take a huge amount of time out of my schedule. I have been playing these sports since I was younger and a lot smaller. I play these sports for travel teams and school. Pretty much every day after school I am playing and practicing one of the two sports or both in the same day. In the summer I am mainly focusing on baseball. I have a lot of tournaments and season games. For basketball I have one or two tournaments. Through the winter I am practicing baseball indoors because it is too cold to practice outside. I am playing constant basketball games throughout the week and weekends. I chose to add these two visual images because these are the two most important sports to my that I love a lot and keep me out of bad situations.

The car represents traveling and my love for traveling. Even though I live in the city and walk pretty much everywhere, sometimes I take the car to go to a location that is not walking distance. When in the car, we are always making jokes together and making the most out of the car ride. The time I spend in the car with my family and friends are good fun times, we talk, play games and listening to music. This leads to my last visual image, Music. Music is a big part of who I am. It sets the mood in different situations and makes me happy. Music is a big topic that gets brought up in a lot of my conversations.

​From the critique of my slide I learned different suggestions about my work that helped me create a better and more thought out slide. I learned from my critiques to not stretch the images out, to create a clearer contrast in the letters and highlight, and to create a more neater and symmetrical slide. All of the criticism I got on my work helped me create a better slide for my upgraded slide.

I chose to change many of things on my new slide to make it better and cleaner. When creating the second draft of my slide, I researched and listened to my peers on ways to create a better laid out slide. I researched about contrasting colors and chose to add white letters the contrasted with a darker brown color. The images I picked out on my first slide I stretched out which made them more pixelated which I got ride of a shrunk them to their normal sizes. I made sure all of the images were symmetrical to each other and that they corresponded in a way to the highlighted color of the text.

Throughout the process, I learned that it is easier to follow a slide when it is simpler and more symmetric. I used my classmates and teachers to help me create a better slide. They gave me constructive criticism and different ideas to help me create a new better slide.

To person: What are you doing Emmy! He’s literally right in front of you!

To self: Okay it's 10:33, I should be done by at least 11ish, leaving me about an hour to finish my homework. Why do teachers have to give us projects and homework? What's the point of school if we have to do the work at home? I mean everyone knows 80% of the kids just look up the answers for whatever they demand us to do. Do teachers want our childhoods to be spent having anxiety and breakdowns over every other project? Why give us this busy work? And why give us so much work? How much homework do I have for one night? Just tonight I have Four 3-step equation problems, answer questions for a 10 page document, answer 10 questions for biochem, write a 500 word script in spanish, write a 3 paragraph film analysis, and write a 600 word draft for a monologue. Now each of these things are simple, but in 1 night. 1 night!

To person: Emmy why is everybody in this game so toxic? I make 1 mistake and this kid will not stop crying   .

To self: Okay so I don’t have history tomorrow, so I can do that homework tomorrow after school. Then I can do biochem in the morning, Math and the film analysis at lunch, leaving the spanish script and the monologue for tonight. I'm a decently fast typer so it should be fine. As long as this game doesn't last too long.

To person: Can you guys actually try so we can win already? I got homework I still have to do. No you’re not even trying, you keep using the scout which is utter garbage. (Slam fist on desk) It's not my fault I procrastinate… (realization, over exaggerated sigh)

To self: I can’t keep doing this to myself. I had 3 days to do the monologue, the entire week for history, 2 weeks to do the spanish script and the film analysis. I promise after today I will no longer procrastinate. If these assignments weren’t due until the morning I’d be screwed. Wait… Are they all due in the morning? Sometimes they switch it up… Nah probably not right.... I should check to be sure. (pause) No. NONONONONONONONONONO! Why is the monologue have to be due at 12!? That's nowhere near enough time! There's no way I’m gonna finish I don’t even have an idea yet.

To person: OH MY GOD WOULD YOU JUST DO ANYTHING! YOU LITERALLY HAVE DONE NOTHING FOR THE TEAM. I NEED TO GO AND I'M NOT GETTING BANNED BECAUSE YOU SUCK!

To self: Okay Okay I’ll just type on my phone between rounds… I’m so stupid. I should’ve just done the projects in the first place. Then I wouldn’t be stressed out every night getting a max of 4 hours sleep.

To person: God our teammates were trash… Good Game! Hey Emmy you up for another game? I can just do my homework in between rounds. (3 second pause) Aw come on, can’t you do your homework later?

“Midnight Sprees”

How do I feel today? (sarcastically) I wonder. I feel (gasp) the way I do every time I’m in this room with you. You ask me this question every week, Lydia, and I answer in the same way. I’m fine. I sit in this bland office with cushy chairs, and I’m always fine. I don’t want to be here. I never want to. I want to leave this place and never look back. I don’t need help, and I certainly don’t need your talk therapy. But y’know, my parents just can’t accept that, so here I am. My parents can’t handle the idea that their precious little girl can deal with bullies.

(Pause)

They sent me here because they care? Really? They didn’t care, or notice, when I came home with bruises and a tear-stained face. My mother just kept playing solitaire, and my dad just kept working. He doesn’t even really need to work that much, we’re kinda well-off, but he never seems to spend time outside the office. Also, they didn’t care at all when you brought them in here for a therapy session. I mean, really, they pretty much told you that it’s your job to fix me, not theirs. (sarcastically) Oooh, therapy. They just want me out of their way. Speaking of, there was also that time when they didn’t care about... (trails off)

(Pause)

It’s nothing. I’m serious, really. Nothing. (pause) No, I’m fine. (tugs on sleeves) Fine… You really are that desperate to know? I almost killed myself. There I said it. Proud of me now, Lydia? Have I lived up to your standards?

(Pause)

You didn’t need to know. What had happened was… I got fed up. It was another day, with the same bullies and the same insults… (voice gets a little lower) “slut, whore, fatass”. The same voices in the back of my head nagging at me all day. Too many bodies on my mind. So… that night I decided I didn’t want to go through with it anymore. I cut myself, instead of others. But then I got scared. There was so much blood, and I wasn’t used to it coming from my own body. My victims never fought back. I called Andrea, and she rushed over to help me. She doesn’t know about my late-night habits. You don’t even know about them. We managed to stop the bleeding with a t-shirt, and to clean up my room. My parents never go in there anyways, so it doesn’t really matter, but just in case. I drank a lot of water and juice, and ate some food. Andrea told me that I have to tell you, but I didn’t really mean for you to find out…

(Pause)

Why? Well because of the feelings and the thoughts coursing through me, why else? I’ve killed people, and it lurks in the back of my mind- who am I going to kill next? I just can’t decide sometimes and it eats me alive. Y’know that feeling when you’re underwater in a pool and you can hear everything but it’s muffled? That’s what it feels like. Until I feel someone’s blood in between my fingers, until I hear their screams, muffled by whatever I stuck in them to shut them up. Nothing is ever still. It feels like everything is always vibrating; me, my school, my life, my heart, my head. Everything. My heart beats faster than ever lately. I always feel like people are out to get me, and even in a room full of friends I feel so lonely. All I think about is my next murder.

(Pause)

Yeah, I guess… I do see it as a problem… I almost killed myself, for god's sakes! Maybe I do need help… (speaking pace quickens) What if I’m beyond help or beyond care? What if I’m too broken? (pause) I’m too broken. It’s pointless. But… What if it isn’t? I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t know what to feel or think; I just can’t be this way anymore! I’ve killed three people this month. They didn’t make the news- doesn’t look like a serial killer. The first was an old man-- I poisoned him, it looked like suicide. I helped that old man by putting him out of his misery. The next was a woman, younger. I made it look like a domestic violence case, reported it to the police and everything. The man is in jail, but he sexually assaulted her anyway, so he deserved it. Just last week I killed a woman, an abusive mother. Her daughter is too young to understand, anyway. She’ll learn when she’s older. So really, I’m not doing anything bad.

(Pause)

What, no! I’m not going to some asylum. Oh hell no. You’re not going to lock me up in some psych center! I don’t need that. You’re wrong, I’m fine! Or maybe I’m not, but that’s not the point. I don’t need to go to a crisis center… They hurt people there, and I don’t need to be any more hurt than I already am! I don’t need to be sedated or any of that shit! I’m fine.

(Pause)

The police? No, no! Fine, I’ll- I’ll go to your dumb psych center. Just don’t lock me away forever...

Good morning everybody. Today I will be presenting my tech slide. Although there is not much on the slide, I believe you can learn a lot about me from it. I’ll start off with the background. It is an image of a wrestling gym. A reason that I chose this image because it shows the side of me that is a wrestler. But on a more meaningful level, this image portrays a part of me that less people get to see. It shows that when I set my mind to something, I can accomplish it, no matter what it is. That is a wrestling mindset.

I chose the layout of the slide for multiple reasons. One of them was the contrast of the colors. I love the color combination of yellow and black, and I thought it would make the slide pop-out to the viewer. Another reason was that there were lines running through it, and my research said that that would put the image into focus.

The quote represents one of the main things I stand for. The quote reads, “Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard.” The person who said the quote is Josh Keitt, one of my wrestling coaches who is also the Athletic Director at CAPA. The quote, along with inspiring me, also portrays how I participate in topics that I am passionate about. If I set a goal for myself, I will spend countless hours working to achieve it. This applies not only to wrestling, but my entire life.

Thank you all for listening and have a great Thanksgiving Weekend!

You never meant home to me anyway.

Okay

you can do this.

(inhales deeply)

Maybe I can't. No I can't do this, I'm going to tell him. I'm tired of hearing him say that I walk just like a girl or that my voice is too high for him.

(pauses)

But what if he is fine with me being gay. I am his son, right?

I don’t know man, I don't think I can do this, I'm shaking just trying to think what to say

Should I just say, “I'm gay and proud. I don’t care what you’re going to do?”

Or should I not tell him, and just date girls even though I don't like them? I mean that's wrong, right? Playing with their feelings? I'm not a fuck boi

(pauses)

I can't keep this from him anymore man , he’s picking up clues:

Clues like me being around girls more than I am with guys.

Clues like me wearing black nail polish saying I'm emo but in reality I just wanna wear it.

When I was younger my nickname to him was fruit cake so he knew that I was gay.

My mom doesn't care.

She wants me to stay true to myself.

She also told me that when i'm ready to come out do it without regret, if he didn't accept me,

Or if he does do something crazy I can just live with my mom, that's why she left right?

She left Because he would hit her repeated for reasons like when she didn't serve his food once he entered the house from work

Because she didn't want to lay with him because he smelt like a damn whole bar

He used to mark her all up with bruises and busted lips

That's the reason why my brother Matthew isn't here now because she had a miscarriage

Man fuck this, fuck it man, I have to tell him.

Okay I can do this I can do this okay I got it.

Breath, Jonah breath.

(Breaths in and out)

I'm ready

(pauses)

Dad can we talk I have something I wanna tell you please don't scream please dont.

Remember when you used to call me fruitcake because I would act and talk just like a girl?

Well I have to tell you something

(inhales in and out)

I am

(cough)

I am... I am..

(coughs)
I like like guys okay I like guys

(Pauses)

No this isn't a phase you obviously knew I was, because you mocked me on a daily basis.

What are you crazy? Are you? Therapy won't fix this, I am gay and that's what I am you can't change that.

But dad I'm your son are you kidding me

Man I knew you weren’t  going to approve cause you’re a damn homophobe you despise gay people with a passion.

(Starts to get upset)

What! No you listen to me, you can't tell me that I have to date girls to live here I'm not going to live a lie and claim I have feelings for them.

Okay then I will pack my bags and leave.

You never meant home to me anyway.

We never had a son bond anyway

That father and son bond

You never came to my talent shows, never showed up to none of my Father and Son dances at least I was active in school and participated in events

No wonder mom left your miserable ass your so damn judgemental and abusive

Beating her up and making her have a miscarriage

The only brother i’ll only have

But What ever Daniel I’ll be out of your hair after I'm done packing

You know what? Go to hell, asshole.

(Slams door)

Rose

Kate, It’s me TJ. Can I talk to you for a minute?  So I have a problem. So you know how my little sister Rose and I have currently moved in with our aunt  about three months ago, and its been tough. Last week when Rose came to school with the bruises and black eye on her face, I told you that she had got into a fight. The thing is, she didn’t get into any fight. Our aunt has been hitting her.

But wait please don’t tell anyone yet, It’s my aunt, and I don’t want her to get arrested. It started around the first few weeks of school. Rose and I were still getting used to living with her.

We came in the house from school, and Rose didn’t say hello. So my aunt  ran up to Rose in her face screaming at her, saying ¨when you come in this house you speak to me!”. Of course she started to cry. The woman threw her backpack across the room and just started hitting her.

What did I do? I know that she wouldn’t just do this out of nowhere.

She says if I ever try and help Rose in this kind of situation she would get her boyfriend on me. Kate I don’t know what to do. I’m only 13 and I know I can defend myself from people my age, but a 27 year old man, I don’t know. I really haven’t seen her boyfriend. I know he comes there a lot but he only stops at the door to give my aunt money. And Rose. Rose is only 9. She can’t defend herself at all. I can’t call anyone because she took my cell phone and uses it for her “orders”. So I just figured that I open up to you.

It’s so crazy because I know my aunt  like the back of my hand.. When we were little, she wasn’t  like this at all. She would always take Rose and I to the park and get us ice cream from the ice  cream truck. When my mother was arrested, she was right there ready to take us in. Oh and I know she only took us for the money. She walks in the house with a new purse everyday. I don’t know if it’s the money she gets from her boyfriend or the state.

But Rose. I’m scared for her. She barely gets any sleep because she is scared that she will come in and take her away, so I hold her to make her feel safe. She screams and cries from the nightmares she has from her. She can’t get comfortable when sleeping because of the bruises on each arm hurts her.

Rose has gotten so quiet. She talks when she is told to and only when she is told to. Even in school. She only talks to me when we wake up for school in the morning. If momma could only be here for us. Man I know things  would be different. Rose would go back to being the old Rose. Playing with her dolls, having friends over every friday. Just… Happy.

This is my slide. In my Me Magazine, I specially mentioned many quotes that are important to me, I picked the one that I use and love.

Keeping it simple

In the Presentation Zen, when Garr Reynolds was in Osako Japan, he used the IKEA signs as an example to explain in design. He said that keeping it very minimal and simple was a very good way to get whatever the selling product is out.  As Zach Holman said in his writing, slides, posters, billboards need to be nice to look at for our eyes.

Another vital factor that many people don’t realize is when they try to cram too much information into one slide. I knew I wasn’t going to put as super long quote on my slide and have it in size 11 font, it wouldn’t be comfortable for my audience to read a super long paragraph that is difficult to read.  I gave “EVERYTHING” a different font because I wanted to show emphasis on it, by making it a little bigger, different font.

I kept a lot of spaces because also, it gives our eyes a nice view to look at because our eyes likes simple, we don’t like looking at too much things, a lot times, we can't focus.

Image; Instead of putting many images that could go along with my quote, I decided on picking just one to represent my central idea of the quote.

Dopamine

Oh my god, there he is! The boy I was telling you about. Be cool, be cool.

(pause)

Every time I see Tyler, it’s like 20,000 shots of dopamine gets released from my brain. He walks towards me and I lock my eyes into his, like a reminder to brush my teeth twice a day, every day -- just in case we get close. My eyes wander down to his lips, what a perfect pair of lips. I look at his arms, nice and strong. He walks away from me and I feel myself gazing at his butt. (Shakes head) Snap out of it Billy. If he turns around and looks down he’ll see you with that, and then you’ll be exposed. Fucking snap out of it!

(Pause. Billy is turned towards audience, but isn’t looking at them. He’s talking to his best friend Jor (h-or))

I know, I know, Jor. It’s wrong, I just can’t help myself though. He’s so sexy. And it’s not even like a, “damnnnn boy! Look at your body” type sexy, it’s like a,  “damnnn boy! Your face, your body, your style is just a turn on.” And his personality just melts my heart. He’s perfect.

(Pause)

What do you mean “how does his personality melt your heart?” Like the way he--well, it’s more like how he--It’s like when you’re on a roller coaster. When you’re waiting in that long line and you’re preparing yourself for what’s about to happen. You finally get up to the gate and see the other people slowly pull off in the roller coaster. A few seconds later, you hear their screams--the beginning is scary and challenging, but in the end, you know they’re having a good time. Then, they come back, and they look so happy. The only difference with me is that I never get in the line, I’m too scared.

(Pause)

No, it’s not alright! I want him, but I’m too scared to tell him. I’m such a pussy.

(Pause)

You really think so? I mean, I kind of think I am. I don’t know, maybe you’re right. Ughhhh, I wish I had the balls to tell him.

(Pause)

No, I don’t! What if he looks at me like I’m crazy? Or what if he laughs and tell everyoneeeeee I’m gay? I can’t go through that humiliation. I mean, commmmmme on! How would you feel if your crush told everyoneeeeeee you liked him? Huh? (Sits down on a bench)

(Pause)

Yeah, that’s what I thought, but--

(Pause)

Wait...what?

(Pause)

So, you’re saying you wouldn’t be humiliated?

(Pause. Billy is confused)

What the fuck? ...Why not?

(Pause)

So, you’re basically saying you wouldn’t be upset if the whole school, including your crush, knew you liked him? You wouldn’t be upset to know that everyone in school knew you were gay? You would instead feel relieved?

(Pause) Damn...you have guts. You know what, you’re right. I’m gonna rip a page out of your book, and tell him. I’m gonna tell him that I like him, and he’s gonna act normal and not tell anyone that I told him I liked him. Yeah, of course. It’s totally normal for guys to like guys. Yeah! I totally got this. Yeah, because it doesn’t matter if he laughs at me, or if he doesn’t. I had the courage to tell him, which is all that matters. But how do I do it? Oh myyyyyyy God (sits down and puts face in hands). It’s like one thing after another! Like, Jesus Christ! Can I get a freaking break!

(Pause and takes face out of hands) You’re right. I don’t need to take time out of my day to flip out about what to say, or if he’ll tell everyone. He should respect me as a human being who has feelings. He should acknowledge my courage and strength to even talk to him, so that’s what I’m gonna do.

(Gets up and walks over to Tyler)

Hey, what’s up?

This is my slide. At first glance it my look bland and simple, but each part of my slide represents an important part of me. I have summarized one major part of my me magazine into my slide, this major part is me having both Ecuadorian and Philadelphian heritage. The first photo is of the sunrise in Philly. I took this photo from my balcony, I used this photo to represent my time here in Philadelphia. The second photo is of a sunset in Ecuador, I used this to represent my time in Ecuador. I used sunsets and sunrises in my slide because of my fascination with them. I used a sunset and a sunrise respectively to show that they are diffrent places. The box in the middle is my favorite color, which also matches the sunset and sunrise. I hope you have liked this presentation.

The final part of my presentation is this quote that I resonate with. I just feel like together yet separate just sums up perfectly how I feel about living in Philly but being born in Ecuador. This slide is split into three different parts. I felt like this template was the most aesthetically pleasing. I used harmony in my slide because I kept the same pallet of colors.

Takes place in a dark corner of stage.

Be quiet, not a sound I think he’s coming. Don’t breathe too heavy, don’t show fear, it’ll be over soon.

(pause)

Where’s my mother? Where’s my father? Why hasn’t anyone come yet? Is it my fault? What did I do wrong? All I was doing was coming home from practice right around the corner. The man didn’t seem like a threat then. He just asked which direction he needed to take.

“Hey, excuse me miss which way to the park”

(Character shivers)

I can still hear him in my head...why! (Crying)

He went the opposite direction of where I was walking when he pulled off, and then turned around. Why? Did I have something? Does he hate me? What does he want to do with me?

I don’t even know where I am. You know what, where’s the freaking police?

Can they not do there job, correctly? What if I’m dead, is anyone even worried? Does anyone even know I’m gone?

I’m only 15 years old. I thought I was doing everything right. I didn’t act older than my age, behave well in school, got involved in programs. Most girls my age now a days don’t even take care of themselves. At least I don’t go around… ughhh they're all boy crazy. But not me, I try to stay on task. And of course this happens to me.

Silent pause.

Crazy thing is, I watch shows like this almost everyday. Criminal minds, law and order, how am I not prepared for when something like this happens. In most situations like these something bad happens within a short time frame to the victim in kidnaps.

Investigates body for marks of any kind

Oh god, I have scratches all over my arm. I must’ve put up a fight, at least that’s good, right? I did what I could. Now it’s up to the police to do what they can and find me. I hope there's good evidence left behind.

Maybe I dropped something, or he did.

Maybe there’s already a suspect in mind.

What if I, actually do know him.

There’s a good chance I may. (panicking)

You know what, maybe if I just count in my head they’ll be here sooner than I anticipate.

1….2…..3…...No I can’t

They’re taking too long to get here. Maybe they can’t find me, it was a random man that took me I think. How will they find him! Maybe they will like in those shows, they always find them. Yea ,okay I’ll be fine. I’ll be back home with my parents fine and okay. Yes, The place where I’m the most comfortable. Right about now I’d be in my room listening to my playlist, scrolling through Instagram feed. But, I just want to go home!

Hears Footsteps.

Oh no, I think he’s coming. What to do, what to do? Should I act sleep? Fight back? Act brave and speak? Ask him questions? Make him feel guilty? Pause

*Gasps

The door

Yes officer, I’m okay.

My story? You want to hear about the whole day?

Okay…

So I was walking home from school. From my fourth new school. I hated the school I currently attended. It sucked being the new kid every time. Everyone thought I was a weirdo but I really didn’t care. I was a 16 year old girl that could care less of what people thought about me. I didn't fit in with the others. Maybe because I was quiet and didn't like opening myself up to others. My favorite part of the day came up, leaving school.

After 10 minutes of walking, I finally got home. I seen that my mother was making my favorite for dinner, barbecued wings with mashed potatoes and broccoli. As soon as I came face to face with my mother she asked me how school was. I didn’t like when my mother would ask me how school was because i would give her the same answer every time. It was miserable. But I would always answer her. I respected her. So I just tell her my day was okay or that it was an awful day.

I was always completely honest with my mom. I never lied to her about how I was feeling. We'd been through so much together and she was my biggest supporter. My mother was pretty chill about everything which I loved about her. She would give the greatest advice and would always tell me to be my own person.  And that’s exactly what I did. My mom was like my best friend. I loved her with all of my heart. I never wanted things to end up the way they did.

It was just my mother and I living at another temporary home. We moved from our old house because my father began to harass us again after he had found us. My father never got over the fact that my mother left him, he would always come back. She left him because he was a drunk and always got fired from his jobs. He was a deadbeat. My mother couldn’t deal with it anymore so we decided to move every once in a while and hoped he never find us. It was exhausting and it took a toll on my mother.

I never had a close bond with my father because he would always judge me for the kind of person I am. He would always tell me to fix my hair. He would tell me to put some makeup on and wear girly clothes. Honestly, I believed that my father didn’t say those things as friendly advice. I believe he said those things so he could have something good to look at all day. Do you know what it's like for a girl to only see her father as a pervert. Of course you don't don't answer. I wish I could love him as any daughter would love their dad but I wasn't normal. I had the prevented and messed up father.

My father would always be really friendly with me, which is why I always kept my distance. I didn’t want to believe my father would look at me in that way but he did. And there was nothing I could do about it. He basically owned me and my mother by owning our fear of him. No one would ever know what ya like to live in constant fear.

Every time there was a knock on our door, I can see the look in my mother’s widened eyes that believed, Could it be my father?

Around 10pm, my mother was watching her lifetime movies and I was sitting at the dining room table doing my homework.

There was loud banging on our door and my heart almost jumped out of my chest. My mother looked at me and then slowly got up from the couch to go open the door.

Something in my gut told me, it was my father. The urgency and inconsistency of the knocks maybe gave it away.

My mother peeked through the peephole of the door and she immediately told me to go upstairs. I disobeyed her. I had to be brave.

She opened the door and tried to keep it somewhat closed but my father swung it open with excessive force.

As soon as the door swung open he began to say all of these crazy things. He was shouting so loud it felt as if my ears were gonna explode. He was drunk and high, like he always was. It was an inner demon he couldn't get rid of.

My mother kept saying that he had to leave and that he couldn’t be here right now. She was just as scared as I was but put up a better front.

My father grabbed my mother and began kissing her and caressing her. I just didn't know what to do I was frozen with shock. My mother got angry and pushed him off of her. Then, he seemed so full of rage.

My mother kept shouting at him to leave and the only thing I can do is stand there in total shock, I didn't  move. I couldn’t do anything. What I should have done was call you guys. I know that now. I'm sorry. I should've. Everything I learned about calling the police just flew away in this time.

After a lot of yelling at each other, I seen my father reaching to the back of his pants. It was a gun. He pulled it out and first pointed it at me, and began to threaten my mother. If she didn't comply with him he would shoot me. My mom started crying hysterically and began shouting, “Shoot me, not her.”

Tears ran down my face. I didn’t know whether my father was gonna pull the trigger or not.

He then pointed the gun at my mother and time stopped. It was as if everything was in slow motion. The five bullets that pierced through the air hit different parts of her body. She had fallen to the ground really really hard. I screamed and ran over to my mother. I kept repeating “Just look at me mom everything's gonna be okay.”

She then whispered “I love you Mariana.” and she took her last breath.

Oh no, I have no idea where my father is now. I was only worried about my mother.

Is seated on a chair

Waiter gives menu(invisibly)

 *Gives a nervous smile and a small chuckle*

looks at menu and then looks up*

 Oh no…. what the hell do I even want. Why is it always like this everytime I go out to eat? It’s like I don't even know myself well enough to choose a single damn thing.

*Person looks at menu at points at things* *sighs*

I could have the- no that's too uhm- OH, how about the- hmm... noo. Maybe i'll just have the ew... Nope. no thanks. Ugh, why did I not think ahead and look at the menu online or just go my regular place, why did I need to feel the need to  go here anyways, time is money. I could be working right now. I'M SUCH A FOOL. Google is my best friend, ALWAYS! and yet…. I couldn't even ask what the hell what was on the menu for this place? Wow me! I kinda just came here anyways, cause she told me so much about it. How much she wanted to come here… Mom-

*Sees waiter coming, panics*

(In a nervous tone) No i'm- I'm not ready yet. T-t-thank you.

      (shakes head)  It's not like I don't k-know what’s on my brain. I-I know what’s on my brain , i-i want some food. AGHH. In the crevices of my brain the-there’s all that stuff that I learned in high school, then t-there’s all that stuff the teacher said to k-ee-ep at the back of my brain c-cause it go-gonna be on the test, i-i-relevant really .... oh, oh and then there's all th-those witty remarks mom used to tell me in response to all m-m-my stupid ones. (grows grim and sad) I miss her. I really do...s-s-she would h-help me when I started to panicking , a-and be-begin to stutter like this e-even though I-I wasn’t a-always like this.  (takes deep breath) She w-would be proud (takes deep breath then sighs again, goes to normal tone), that i'm “exploring new foods.” She loved food. If only I took her to places before she died….to this place... Hmpf, death. That’s a meal she never should never have swallowed…. However, if she were here she would tell me to not be nervous, to be brave I suppose, and explore new aspects of different things, and to just choose the damn dish that I wanted already, but i would tell her, it ain't that simple. I’d tell her that I think it’s my fault that she died, because family never fails to tell me so, I’d tell her that because of that, the choices I make have to be articulated before hand so I don’t regret everything I do...because I already do. I feel that way mom. And if you think otherwise you're wrong. Look at the menu of my brain mom, look at it, it’s filled with memories of empty actions….regrets…. regrets that I could have avoided, but i I didn’t. When you were alive I spent most of my precious time working overtime. We needed the money. At least, I thought we did.  All that time that I could have spent on you…..  I don’t deserve to be in this damn place without you here… I-I already feel empty…. hah(chuckles) and the fact that i’ve been trying to fill my emptiness with-

     “Oh, uhm, food, m-my order? hah, yeah uh... (looks at time, fakingly), a-a-ctually, I-I uhm w-wasn’t really h-h-ungry anyways,  I-I have to go, I-Im so so, so sorry, b-but I-I have to go. T-Thank you.”

    (Walks out) I-it was never going to f-fucking work out anyways….(sighs) Happy Birthday Mom....