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Monolithic Masculinity

For centuries, the interpretation of what it meant to be a man has been altered to fit the time period. Expectations of how they behave, speak, and interact with one another can be whittled down to a formula for what society depicts as the “ideal man.” We set the expectation that men are supposed to be emotionless and strong in all aspects, suppressing their true feelings for fear of scrutiny from their peers. Of course, this doesn’t apply to all young men. Some go against this fabricated normal, but what do can they do? It is through no fault of their own that they do not fit this mold. However, when we compare them there will always be the question, “who’s the better man?”

Young men who are living behind this facade are subject to seeking approval of their masculinity. They are being forced to be someone they are not or don’t want to be so that they can be accepted. We see this in schools and in our outside communities. This causes them to reject their true selves. For many succeeding in life is being able to express who you are and not conforming to the straight path that is given to you that was formed so that you are what society wants you to be. It’s beneficial to be true to yourself in spaces where a monolithic form of masculinity is only accepted because of the fact there are expectations of what a true man is.

During the early stages of adolescent development, we are not fully aware nor do we choose to acknowledge how much influence our surroundings play into our lives. We see them in cartoons, movies, literature, the list goes on. We always see the classic scenario of the damsel in distress and the big macho man saving her. This is a basic claim to an adult looking back on their childhood. It is something that they reflect on and says, “oh yeah…” But as children, we are living our best lives unaware of these outside influences. Leanord Sax, a practicing physician, writes in an article about Masculinity in America, “As a result, many boys today define masculinity negatively: Being a real man means doing things that girls don’t do.” From this, we see that young men as a result of having an idea of a what a man should be, limit themselves to one form of thinking that puts them in direct competition with not only themselves to try and prove that they are masculine enough. But as well as putting themselves in competition with the opposite gender unknowingly destroying the unique sense of self that some value because of its’ important relation to self-identity.  

For young men trying to find themselves during this time of confusion, how can we expect them simply put themselves out there but at the same time have them think that who they are isn’t accepted.  In the same article “Masculinity in America,” Leanord Sax continues to argue that young boys are, “....reveling in their supposed masculinity but disengaged from the real world.” Looking at it as a young man myself, I see this type of behavior on a daily basis. I remember when there was a time where I was one of those boys who was so worried about being a “man.” But then I realized I was never going to get anywhere if I kept thinking the same way. Looking at this from above, having an out of body reflective experience I saw that my actions, words, thoughts, and habits, were all heavily based on what my males peers deemed fun. Their jokes that were misogynistic and sexist to me seemed normal because that’s what normal guys talk about, right? It wasn’t until later that I realized that the people I surrounded myself than were not helping build my idea of what a real man was. Having the ability to have an honest conversation with myself about what a man was proved to be beneficial in the end. That is what some young men are missing. As they grow up, they have no idea how expansive the concept of a man, and with that comes confusion leading away from the path of acceptance.

These ideals leave our young men short-sighted and lost. We cannot say that these ideas will simply disappear, what we can do however is begin to accept those for who they are not who we want to be. As a society, we need to learn to accept the children for who they are, especially our young men. Dismantling gender roles is the first step, but bringing up the next generation to accept themselves and others is the only we can truly tell kids to be themselves. Masculinity isn’t a formulated thing. You can mold it, shape it however you like. But if we want to produce better men, we have to let children define masculinity for themselves.   

In my life, I have experienced what I recognize as a cycle of identity; a pattern of changes in my self that I can pinpoint to specific times in my life. This way of viewing identity can be applied to many peoples’ lives. We have all felt alone in our lives; like we don’t belong. And experiences where we feel isolated are the ones that affect us the deepest. I remember a time where I felt this way myself:

The sedan was filled to the gills with middle-grade girls; we were packed four deep in the brown leather backseat. We had just finished a very important travel soccer game and were still feeling the glowing euphoria of a 3-0, those were scarce for us. As the car sped along the highway somewhere in Montgomery County, So What came on the radio. Immediately the other girls roared along with P!nk’s gritty, sassy vocal: “Guess I just lost my husband, I don’t know where he went!” As my heart sunk in my chest; I pretended to sing along, mouthing some of the more predictable lyrics and hoping no one noticed. I had been given a test that everyone had studied for but me. In that moment, I felt like I would never truly be part of the team, no matter how many goals I scored on the field. My early experience as an outsider is still deeply ingrained in my identity today. I have gone through many selves, but I can pinpoint a few instances in my life when my self changed noticeably. They were catalyzed by the environment I was in at those times, and are reflected in the lives of many people in our society.

In her Ted Talk, Embracing Otherness, Embracing Myself, Thandie Newton poignantly says about selfhood: “What is real is separateness, and at some point in early babyhood, the idea of self starts to form.” The development of self is something we all experience throughout our lives.  Newton is describing the first of the key phases of self. In other words, she is alluding to the fact that when we are young, we learn to first cling to the things that make us similar to other people, and we begin to mold ourselves based on those characteristics. Some things, like gender, are imposed on us from birth, used to separate us in different roles to organize society. We are very attuned to this, and tend to want to cooperate with it, taking a side on a fake dividing line. As Newton says, separateness becomes very real to us very quickly, and we instinctively want to avoid the feelings that come with not fitting in. In our early childhood, where it is clear to us we don’t have much power in our world, we cling to the things that do give us security, and that means ascribing ourselves to specific groups.

This first phase of self, for me, went unchallenged up until middle school. For most people, middle school is a time where your identity is pretty much constantly attacked, no matter who you are. This is a time where bullying is severe, where the things that make you different are put on display for everyone to see. I questioned the very essence of who I was- I stood on a ledge, a cavern of possibilities all around me, waiting to jump. Who are you? Who are your people? What do you like? These questions are all important in this second phase of self. For some people, the second phase of self leads to the rejection of certain irreversible parts of your identity, sometimes forever. It’s not safe to be different, so you deny the things about yourself you can’t change.

The second dramatic change in self that I experienced in my life was also in middle school, right after the first. Like my first change in self, it was characterized by me relating myself to other people by difference, rather than similarity. But unlike the uncertain and shameful experience of the second phase, I dug my heels into my identity. I tried so hard to stand out from my peers. Seeing how big the world is in your early teenhood completely grabs hold of you and makes you want to matter. So it was important for me for my identity to be centered around the things that made me unique. I actively sought out new music, books, and clothes, completely falling into my role as the ‘weird’ kid. I was really worried about what people thought, but I pretended I  wasn’t.

When I hear the word “culture,” I picture a big gathering of people all coming together to celebrate their similarities with one another. I see colors, lights, dancing, singing, rituals, etc. To me, it is something to cherish because it’s where you can find belonging. It’s where you have almost everything in common with the people surrounded by you. It’s home. I was sent out into the world where there wasn’t only my culture. There were hundreds more and it’s when I realized I won’t always belong wherever I go. Stereotypes are put on many cultures, putting people to shame about the culture they come from or are apart of. Being a part of two cultures is when things can get very complicated. I am stuck between the Puerto Rican culture and the American culture and it is like I am stuck between two worlds. Two worlds that cannot interfere, it is either one or the other or even sometimes neither. But I believe that there is a world where the two can coexist because both are who I am.

I love being Puerto Rican but being Puerto Rican in Philadelphia is completely different from being Puerto Rican in Puerto Rico. I pick and choose when I want to show the Hispanic side of me since it isn’t something that’s normal to people in Philadelphia. English is the main language and speaking another language is a “cool” thing when it’s really the same as knowing English. We all make each other feel so different just because we don’t come from the same culture or ethnicity or especially when not all of us are the same skin tone.

The stereotypical Puerto Rican is being “too ghetto” or “too loud.” In a way, I can see this being true but usually to me, it is taken as a joke until I notice it out in public.

“Mom, can you please stop?”

“Stop what? Come on Nani, lighten up.”

“But you are being loud, and you got people looking at us like we crazy.”

I look around after saying this and instantly see all the eyes that were on us. It was kind of awkward and uncomfortable because I do not like to attract attention to myself.

“Man f*** them, la gente son presentao (People are nosy). And that’s not my fault.”

“Ooooookay,” I said rolling my eyes. I can sometimes feed into the idea of the stereotypes. I try so hard to not seem like a stereotypical Puerto Rican, when deep inside I know I am not. I do not care about what others think but when it comes to being judged because of my race and culture is when I take it seriously. For this reason, I tend to change myself depending on where I am at.

The main character in The Hate You Give, Starr Carter, experiences the same feeling of what it is like being stuck between two worlds. The author, Angie Thomas, talks about Starr’s desire to fit in when she wrote: “That means flipping the switch in my brain so I’m Williamson Starr” (71). “Flipping the switch” is something I do a lot especially when being in a place that represents the definition of professionalism or being somewhere where someone considers me as a stranger. “Flipping the switch” is like changing your whole demeanor. Many people say I tend to give off the idea that I am always mad or upset so in a way I try to do the opposite by changing my facial expressions and giving good first impressions. We all want to be viewed or noticed a certain way when in reality it won’t always work that way. In some situations, people can be seen as the target depending on where they’re from or what they look like and at times I can feel like this person.

Being around my family is when I don’t have to worry about how my culture affects anyone else, but this changes when I visit Puerto Rico. The people in Puerto Rico are much different than the Puerto Ricans here in Philadelphia. Since Philadelphia is filled with so many other cultures, I tend to shut myself out from my culture so people will see me and not my culture. In Puerto Rico, I don’t have to do this since everyone is mostly the same over there but it’s when I feel out of place or an outsider because I am not from Puerto Rico. I am from America and a part of the American culture. They have different traditions that I never learned or heard of and I speak more English than Spanish. Knowing more English is where I feel out of place the most, especially with family around my age.

Ta-Nehisi Coates, author of Between the World & Me has similar experiences to my life with the people around his age. He tries to understand a series of ideas he has developed about his body and the generation he comes from by saying: “Now I felt the deeper weight of my generational chains” (124). He digs deeper and understands why these “generational chains” have such a significant meaning. The generations we come from, are apart of our identity. We all want to feel accepted by the people we’ve grown up with and can relate to the most. When we don’t feel comfortable around these people, we can often tend to question who we are and our belonging. I remember speaking to one of my cousins and she did not know any English. I was able to communicate with her to the point where we can both understand each other pretty well. After our conversation, it really hit me that I don’t fit in as much there as I do here in Philadelphia. It made me feel good about where I’m from but also put me in the position that it doesn’t matter what culture I am apart of.

Being a part of two cultures can make someone wonder who they really are as a person. Being aware of the person I am can help me rely more on myself. I listen to my own opinions more often than others. I have an inner connection with both of my cultures that I have learned to use as an advantage, like being able to communicate with people who speak both english and spanish. I’m learning to fight the stereotypes that are chasing after me. I am learning to accept myself for the person I am and not care about those around me. I am learning to live in a world where both of my cultures coexist with each other and not having to shut one or the other out. Knowing who I am is a relief because I know how to face the challenges of who I am when the time comes. I know me.

The beginning of eighth grade was a stressful period. I was ready to graduate, but I also wanted to perform well. Every year, our school would split the group of 80 students between four different advisors. I was given the advisor I had hoped to receive, which made me even more excited to start the school year. The previous few years I had spent at that school were a large period of discovery. Since I was still considered a new student, I was struggling to come to terms with my identity and personality, so I often attempted to hide these qualities to be more liked. This year, I wanted to show more of my true self.

When I first saw my classroom, I immediately noticed that the room was spacious. Desks were lined into columns which made it easier to move throughout the area. However, I could not focus on examining the room because my concentration shifted to my classmates. They all had wide smiles plastered on their faces, but their nervous eyes revealed their insecurity. We were all afraid to begin a new year, despite eighth grade being regarded as an easy experience.

Throughout the next few months, the class environment was extremely positive. Since the entire student body was focused on graduating, there was little drama and a large amount of kindness. Because of this, I began to feel more optimistic. I was able to act the way I wanted and still feel like I was fitting in. I was confident that things would stay this way until the end of the year.

Eventually, the class became more restless. The days until graduation felt like they were increasing. As a result, the environment speedily shifted from constructive and accepting to negative and cold. The friendliness disappeared. False identities began to fade, revealing true colors. Meanwhile, my identity hid behind the same false one from years back. I was afraid of the consequences of my identity, as students were belittled for having personality traits similar to mine. I thought that changing to fit the school’s new norms would make me happier.

As the year progressed, I wrestled with the idea of having to lie about myself. I was unable to realize if I felt truly happy or not. I was still making friends because of my false identity, but at the cost of my character. Despite this, I still pushed my new self. To many, the idea of having a fake identity is reassuring because it is a survival tactic. However, the human desire to create false identities creates an imbalance between the real and the false characteristics. Real identities become altered by artificial personality traits.

In F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, the main character, Jay Gatsby, lies about his identity to fit in with richer society. He dons a new name and alters his entire past to create a new personality for himself. Further in the book, this new identity is exposed as a front, and the narrator, Nick, discusses Gatsby’s lies with the reader. He claims that “Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter…” (The Great Gatsby, 180) Throughout the story, the green light is constantly utilized as a representation of Gatsby’s hopes. He chases after his hope because it allows him to feel fulfilled. Growing up in a poor family, Gatsby always dreamed of fitting in with the upper class. Thus, he lies about his identity to connect to those he thought he had a relation to, as he had always been chasing an high-class life. However, this desire becomes maleficial to Gatsby. He is viewed as an entirely different person from his past self because of his constant attempts to alter his character. Thus, Gatsby’s change in identity allowed him to fit in at a cost of losing parts of his prior self.

Like Gatsby, I began to realize I was acting differently, even when talking to teachers or at home. This insincere personality was beginning to affect my life in major ways. I was disconnected from others and myself. Impoliteness became a regularity; apathy made me seem compelling. I would pretend I was uninterested in conversations for a few laughs. I would sit in my same classroom, but it felt different. The space became limited and the room felt smaller. In an attempt to fit into my environment, I had lost my identity.

From this point onward, I struggled to redeem my true identity. I worked constantly to remove new negative habits. I attempted to connect with classmates who were willing to be themselves. I changed my manners at home and with teachers. I was afraid to be remembered as a person I did not want to become.

In the film Beasts of the Southern Wild, Hushpuppy, a child who lives with her father, experiences life in an uninhabited area. While Hushpuppy describes her life, she tells the listeners that she is “recording [her] story for the scientists in the future.” She then tells us that “in a million years, when kids go to school, they gonna know: once there was a Hushpuppy, and she lived with her daddy in The Bathtub” (Beasts of the Southern Wild, Released 27 June, 2012). In this quote, Hushpuppy is showing the human need to be remembered for our identity. She wants to be remembered as Hushpuppy from The Bathtub, and not an unnamed child from an unknown place. Hushpuppy’s desire to be remembered stems from her living conditions. She was afraid of being forgotten because she inhabited a closed off society. There are no scientists in her community, proving that her fear is real. The creator of the movie uses Hushpuppy’s struggle to represent society’s fear of not being known by those outside of their community.

In this instance, I felt like Hushpuppy. I was afraid that I would be forgotten, and forget myself, because I was not showing my identity to those around me. I was closed off from the rest of my class because I feared that I would not be remembered for my character. I created a fake one to counteract this, which eventually made me fear being remembered as somebody I was not.

By the end of the school year, I was able to reestablish who I was. The students I attempted to connect with became close friends, and I passed through the last weeks of school confident in myself and my new relationships. By graduation, I was excited for high school. Instead of putting on a facade, I hoped to create genuine connections by not losing my individuality again.

At some point in our lives, we go through a difficult phase. A phase where we don’t know who we are or why we matter, a phase of questioning our existence and motivation to keep progressing. This phase doesn’t creep up on us and, it can really hurt from where it began. Losing a loved one, dreams crushed, failure, poor health, pain, stress; the list goes on for eternity. It hits us just like a snap of a finger and we had no way of knowing.

When we are lost, we have no feelings, we have no opinion, we are empty. A clean slate. One may think this could be the worst thing in the world because it doesn’t make you human. Thandie Newton had a TED talk on the value or non-value of having a “self.” She quoted, “I always wondered why I could feel others' pain so deeply, why I could recognize the somebody in the nobody. It's because I didn't have a self to get in the way. I thought I lacked substance and the fact that I could feel others' meant that I had nothing of myself to feel. The thing that was a source of shame was actually a source of enlightenment.” If you have no feelings, you’re perceived as damaged, but this is an advantage in life because we get to see and learn more. Newton was able to see others’ emotions and understand them because she was lost. It’s “a source of enlightenment” where we can discover new things in our lives. Being lost is like not having an identity and no identity means no judgment. You can see all the options from the different point of views and from there, you can make choices of your own.

An example of someone who feels like they have no identity is Ta-Nehisi Coates, the author of Between the World and Me. In his book, he talks about how school was one of the ways that made him lost. As stated by Coates, “I did not master the schools, because I could not see where any of it could possibly lead” (115). In many cases, students wonder when the information they are given will apply to the real world hence Coates stating “I could not see where any of it could possibly lead.” The idea of not knowing what to do leads to the sense of one being lost because they do not understand the purpose of it all. He became lost because he was confused about the options that were just handed to him.

But this is where Coates was able to see everything as it is. At first, he believed that the world was cruel for people of color like himself and that it was almost entirely impossible to change that. However, when he was lost, he was able to discover more  opinions that he hadn’t thought about. He observed how people like himself and people who are completely different from him behaved. He saw individuality, selfishness, fear, confidence, and much more. Through this, he was able to re-accept himself in his own ways while understanding the choices and behaviors of others even if he doesn’t agree with them. From understanding more of what confused him , Coates was able to grow more as a person and still have the advantage of an open mind.

Times when I went through this dark phase was when I’ve lost people who I thought couldn’t live without. I’ve had a recent experience of being lost when I was peeling green beans. I was annoyed by the task but it didn’t matter because I had to help cook if I wanted to eat. My mother walked towards me as she walked out of the kitchen. “What happened to Nasir? You guys haven’t been talking much lately,” she asked concerningly but casually.

“Nothing happened,” I responded monotony. I blanked out because I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t thinking about him before but now I am, which  put me in an off mood. She continued to ask me random questions that I didn’t know the answers to. Did I do this, did he do that, did he get a new girlfriend, did you guys fight? I didn’t really know why or what happened. I already accepted that it was okay for humans to change their feelings, but I questioned why it was always them to change their minds. Was it me? Was I not enough or am I just someone who eventually becomes unwanted? It was my third time going through a relationship and they all ended the same way.

But now looking back, I can prove myself wrong. I discovered that for me, love from another person is never enough because true love comes within. Other people may need someone to show them love but, it’s different for me. I only looked at love in one direction, one image, one meaning, one way but the state of being lost showed me otherwise. It forced me to open the doors that were behind me, the doors that I ignored and found unappealing. But the new doors were what I was missing. They were the perspectives that I had never even thought about yet they were the ones that I learned the most from. I picked and chose what I didn’t like and what I do like. I chose me.

Life hits us like a snap of a finger because it’s carving the right path to ourselves. It forces us to be at our worst so we can discover what makes us feel best. But the idea of being lost has more purpose than to smash us down and then rebuild. It’s to break down the walls that narrow our horizon of the things we ignore and don’t know, and then rebuild. The state of the lost phase is truly when we can become the better versions of ourselves because not only can we find ourselves again but we can also understand others. Understanding other beliefs, opinions, thoughts and ideas more will prevent ourselves from becoming lost again.  

Jakob: https://scienceleadership.org/sections/ENG1-029/post

Koba: https://scienceleadership.org/sections/ENG1-02

Alana:

Scene of memory

Shhh. Silence. I told myself throughout my middle school career.

I barely spoke I don’t know why I had so much fear.

From my head to my toe, silence was my only solution.

So I barely spoke all the years of middle school that was basically my conclusion.

My peers asked,” Why don’t you talk.”

I responded with a shrug of my shoulders

I never spoke and my silence was tough like a boulder.

I still got work done that wasn’t even an issue.

I got all A’s man but the silence I still continued.

I was too nervous to speak I didn’t know what to say.

I go to bed and wake up and do it again the next day.

That all changed when I went to high school and track came along.

My voice became clear and my courage became strong.

I felt like I belong

I’m no longer afraid

to talk to my peers without the shade

Sun light the silence will fade

Spray the silence away with the raid.

Two sides of the same brown penny

Silence or not my courage is now plenty.

In the U.S. there is always the constant idea of belonging. People are always trying to find a place, group, or even gang to find where people share the same ideas you share. That’s why when people are in a group they feel more comfortable because they feel like they can contribute to their group. That’s why we connect with family because we’re with them for the majority of our life. When we leave the house we need to have the sense of belonging again. This belonging can be a blessing but also a curse and blind people because of belonging.

In a news report from, CNN written by, Amanda Enayati, called “The Importance of belonging” talks about the science and psychology of belonging and it states, “‘Belonging is a psychological lever that has broad consequences,’ writes Walton. ‘Our interests, motivation, health and happiness are inextricably tied to the feeling that we belong to a greater community that may share common interests and aspirations.’” The idea that this quote demonstrates is everyone experiences the idea of belonging that when they don’t have anybody they’ll start feeling lonely. They start being taken advantage of if they’re desperate and will face “broad consequences.” It’s because we all share “common interests” that we think people wouldn’t want to take advantage of one another but in reality people don’t always share the same “aspirations”. It’s because belonging is a “psychological” thing that sometimes it can cause us to be blind to even the most obvious forms of  being taken advantage of.

On the other hand, in a article called “On Belonging” by Marianna Pogosyan Ph.D., she talks about good and bad things about belonging with researchers to back her up and it states,” Belonging, thus, offers "reassurance that we are not alone," says Ms. Hattaway. That it’s not just us, even at times of loneliness and isolation (whether as newcomers to a college, or a foreign country).” From this point of view you can see how belonging can make you feel at home. It helps you understand you “are not alone”, no matter where you came from, no matter you’re identity, you’re never alone and you don’t have to be. When you try to recieve belonging it can make you vulnerable for the first few stages but when or if the people accept you, then you feel happiness and comfort. Being isolated and not being around others can be unhealthy and can have consequences if you’re alone to long but, when you have people that support you the pain, the joy, the sadness, can be shared so you don’t have to go through life alone. You have “reassurance” that people (or rather friends) have your back especially when you’ve been friends for a long time. Time can play a huge role in belonging to because if you’ve been in a group, partner, etc. for awhile you’ll view them as more trustworthy compared to a first encounter with a person because with the first encounter you haven’t had enough time to even get to know the person so you wouldn’t be sure if they even share you ideas or not. That’s why time and belonging also go hand and hand.      

Also in the Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, a character named Jay Gatsby was looking for belonging with a girl named Daisy and found it but had to leave because of his duties as a soldier so Daisy ended up being married to a man named Tom. Around 5 years later Jay found Daisy again. In this quote it talks about how Daisy has to choose either Tom or Jay and it starts off with Jay saying,”’Daisy that’s all over now,’ he said earnestly.’It doesn’t matter any more. Just tell him the truth-that you never loved him-and it’s all wiped out forever.’...She began to sob helplessly. ‘I did love him once -but I loved you too.” This quote demonstrates the idea that Jay is really pressing on Daisy to make her be with him even though she has a husband. The thing is that Jay and Daisy had a history together in the past and that relationship, that belonging has stayed in both of their hearts that they both yearn for something like that. The problem is that Daisy found that belonging with Tom and Jay is stuck by himself still yearning for that belonging and love. You can tell Daisy still has feelings for Tom when she said “but I loved you too” and it’s an interesting choice of words there because Daisy says loved like she use to love Jay and too meaning I loved you in the past which probably made Jay feel hurt that the person that he was looking for after their first encounter ended up loving another man. You can see how obsessed Jay is while trying to get back with this woman, and he is trying to make Daisy say she never ever loved Tom. Jay is probably thinking that only he belongs to Daisy and only Daisy belongs to him.

As a recap when you yearn for belonging it can be your best friend. Knowing that others share what you feel can be a really good feeling. It helps you go through life without the world on your shoulders. On the other hand, searching for belonging blindly can be very dangerous and can come with consequences, like being taken advantage of. This is why you need to be careful if you searching for belonging and look for signs to see in you’re being taken advantage or if the person/ group your with is legit.