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I just want to graduate high school.

I don't want to go to college now. 

That can wait.

I just want to work.

I don't want to worry about how much money we have.

Because anything is possible when we have each other.

I just want to start our family.

Because if other people can do it, so can we.

I don't want to save up for a house now.

I'm okay with where we are.

I just want to be here with you.

Because with love, we can do anything.

I promise we can make it work.

I had an awkward kind of day today. I can't really describe it. I have a lot of emotions going on...and I found out something about myself.

See I've been sick for the past week, so I haven't really been on moodle. This morning I woke up and scrambled to get to school today...only to find out that spring break has started. I made it all the way to the school, pulled on the door, and found that it was locked. I called Evett asking
"did spring break start?" she said
"Yea"
"Well thanks for telling me while I'm sitting in front of the school"
"Oh? I though you knew"

I told my mom and she drove me back home. We were both unhappy. I felt like a fool. I should have known, I should have looked online or asked someone...but the "proud" piece of my spirit was angry. I felt like someone should have told me that school was closed, that someone should have kept me in the loop, that my friend's should have had my back.

In a blind fury, I stopped talking to my friends...well that's what I put on my headline. Perry messaged me, and (like a true bitch) took it out on her. That she should've told me, that I was upset, and how I didn't want to talk. She told me that she did tell me, that she did let me know. I felt my pride get knocked down a few pegs as well as grow. At that point I just said that I was stupid and just left it at that.

Mom and I left the house and went on a shopping spree. I couldn't really enjoy myself, because I knew how much of a jerk I was. In that, I also saw some of my own flaws...

I realized that I was too dependent on others, that I never really rely on myself to do things. I realized that I have my father's short fuse and how much trouble it causes. I realized how thin skinned I still am and how much I really hated myself.

Mom bought me new skirts and a dress for school, then we decided to drive to jersey. We saw a car crash on the way there. The Idea of death scared me again...and I started thinking about my dad. I realized that I was not ready to die even though that's way far away...

I went to old navy and bough more clothes. I felt some what better; not mad but I felt the guilt from everything.

We came home, and I started typing this. I really don't know why I made this my daily story. I felt like maybe if I vented in a public place then I wouldn't have anything to hide or something...and If Perry and Evett see this and they get mad then I will take it down, willingly and come up with something else...I guess I just wanted...something...I don't know what I want...

Oh, and by the way, in writing all of this, I forgot to say that I'm still sick with an infection. I have a cough so bad that it keeps me from eating...

I realized how weak I truly am today :/

1. Go to KOP (King o Prussia) try on and price prom dresses.
2. Go to Franklin Mills try o a price prom dresses.
3. Walk around down town; try on and price prom dresses.
4. Get hair done in some type of way that'll last a while.
5. Go anywhere else I need to try on and price prom dresses.
6. Set up a time and place for everybody to meet about the house for prom weekend.
7. Read two books and write essays for contest.
8. Find more scholarships.
9. Apply for more scholarships
10. Research for capstone.
11. Work on capstone.
12. Decide on a prom dress.
13. Relax.

no boil noodles + spaghetti sauce + ground beef + chopped onion + minced garlic + lots and lots of cheese= the second successful lasagna I've made.

An intangible force attacked my pelvis from all angles and continues in its attempt to crush my pelvis into another shape. Meanwhile an invisible shredder has gotten underneath my skin, and is effortlessly tearing at my insides. The internet calls these cramps.

$7500 scholarship for four years at Penn State. Speechless does have a taste.

Sunday: I'm starting to feel better by this day. My Dad and I are going to make Kirk a stepping stone so it'll be easier to visit him in the backyard. I had a good day yesterday. I helped my mom clean the basement, changed the cat litter and then went to a fashion show with my bestfriend, Kelly, and her sisters at La Salle University. It was funny. I enjoyed myself. Oh, and I finally straightened my hair.

Today: OMG! I have an interview with an modeling agency today. Some lady scouted me out when I was on my way home downtown. They called me and scheduled at interview. I hope this goes well.  should probably get up and get my day started.

I worked a double from 9am-9pm. I haven't sat down for the past 12 hours. I had the choice to to take a break and eat, but I don't like taking breaks at work. I feel guilty that I'm sitting and eating at work and I just can't relax. Although I can't take a break for a 12 hour shift I DO have to eat, and was picking at some french toast and rice pudding in the back. My shoulders are killing me from carrying all the bus pans, however my legs and feet don't bother me at all ( I would like to thank running for that). Just about an hour ago I was all wound up, but now I have become one with the couch and my body is mush that is not going to move for the next 8-10 hours. Adios mis amigos I'm going to sleep.....great.

so much work...even over break....sigh

Has been sick for the past two days. Why me

​Click Click CLICK!

Watching this consumes all of my free-time.

She makes my heart dougie. 
Always. 
No matter what happens. 

It's Saturday which means I had to be at work from 3pm-10pm. I should have at least slept until 10am at the latest, but no! I had to get up in the morning at 7:30am so I could do something for school. Ummm...excuse me I could of sworn spring break started at 3:05 pm Friday, April 15, 2011 so I should not be dealing with school; especially the next day. Sigh I'm sure sleep will enter my life soon enough.

While cleaning this morning I tweeted out a song I was listening to. A while ago I got a email saying I had a new follower. Turns out it was the band I talked about :D

Many people dislike rain. I love it. It rained all day today; I had off of work. I didn't spend too much time outside. I had some tea. All is well. 

Remember that post I wrote about wanting to get away from myself. Well here I am. I'm out of my mind, but now I'm looking at me externally. Don't try to understand me, you'll get frustrated. I barely understand myself.

I just want my dog back. I was so pissed off today at God. It poured down raining on my fucking dog. He's buried in the backyard and it just started pouring. Usually Kirk would be in the yard, doing something. Finding a new way out or digging up an old fried chicken bone.. and my mom would yell at one of us "BRING KIRK IN! IT'S POURING OUT THERE!", then one of us would run to go get Kirk and he would run in super excited, drenched. then he'd shake it off and get all of us wet, we'd get a towel dry him off and tell him to go home, he'd stare at us like we were crazy and we would know exactly what he wanted... a cookie. We'd give him some type of food and he'd take it and run to my brothers room into his dog house.

That was routine. And now it's gone. There's no point in going int he backyard anymore. Kirk's gone. It's still unreal. I WANT MY FUCKING DOG BACK. I love you Doobie, world's #1 dog. 

I keep telling my cat that he won't be able to sleep in his shoebox if he continues to eat it but he probably won't change his behaviour because he's a cat and he doesn't understand English.

True story.

Planted a tree today and really glad I had off from work today. I'm home snuggling up in the couch with my mom and our roommate. We're watching movies. I love doing this kind of stuff on a rainy day. I'm so happy right now.

So I woke up today at 9:05 am and preceded to drag myself out of my nice, comfy bed to go plant a tree...

I put on some shitty clothes and got a ride from my dad down to the Kendrick Recreation Center.  I waited around for a while until the coordinator, Jill, showed up with her crew.

I volunteered for about an hour and basically helped move the trees to their locations and dig giant holes in the tree pits.  I planted one bare root tree and then left.  It took me about an hour.

It was freezing outside and I was exhausted, but now I feel kind of good about myself.  I did something positive for my neighborhood and now every time I walk by that tree, I'll remember that I helped make that tree's life possible.