Working Hard or Hardly Working
Here is one thing that doesn’t help in anyway at all, it’s unproductivity/laziness. Most people find me to be a lazy person. My friends do and sometimes they can’t trust me to complete a task that I am not totally good at doing. I often hear teachers say that haven’t met my potential yet and occasionally lack focus. My mother, the one who keeps watchful eyes over me even through all her work will say that I am a heavy procrastinator. I think that it’s all true and I hate to admit it, but it has become apart of me that I really wish to change. It’s not that I don’t want to be associated with laziness, it’s just that I don’t want to be defined by it. I don’t think that I am totally a “lazy” person, but I think that I have a really big issue with procrastination. This is a big problem for me at school and I can sometimes get my priorities mixed up with other minute things at or after school.
I remember one day during my sophomore year, I was in a really heated debate within a group chat. I was so concerned about such a minute discussion that I ended up missing the whole lesson. This wasn’t the first time that something like this happened either but it severely screwed up the rest of my day. I was bombarded with work due the next day with a few big assignments that would take a while, and on top of that I had the work that I didn’t understand at all because I was so unfocused in class. That night was horrible since I had to stay up until around 2 o’clock to get the Majority of it done but I ended up having to withhold my Rosetta Stone work for the next day. The day after that couldn’t have been enjoyable either because I had to use my time in an out of classes to keep up with Rosetta. The rest of the week was like this; trying to finish an assignment close to deadline while ignoring the work I should have my focus on. Rinse and repeat. This isn’t an effective method either as my grades have stooped to averages that I would never thought that I could get, I feel like I have a legitimate problem weather it be my academic, sports or social objectives. I understand that “school come first” but sometimes I feel like school can wait, I know this type of thinking will destroy my academic progress but I do have a way to help with that.
I have this one medication that helps me focus, well I hope it helps me focus, I often can’t tell if it is. I’ve been taking the vyvanse pill for about 5 or 6 years and I don’t like talking about it, this makes me feel like I need someone or something there to help me do things that other people can do without any meds. I don’t want to make this a ADD/ADHD speil but it makes me feel like I am constantly in need of help. I hate this feeling and at times it makes me feel like I am weak and inferior because of it. It’s weird, to feel like you are less than the students right next to you because you need to put forth more effort to keep up with them, and this happens a lot during my english/writing classes.
I don’t really have a personal problem with writing, but writing about something personal is the problem. I hate exposing myself, it makes me feel as if I’m naked. Everything that I normally hide, is now out on display; what scars I have, last weeks bruise, the one pimple that I can’t seem to reach or destroy, even the weakest and deepest sections of my mind and body. To me writing from the heart can feel like showing everyone one more important piece of info needed to eliminate Genero Accooe from the competition for best life achievements. I literally deleted like eight to fifteen sentences from this exercise so far . I Have stopped typing to bite my nails and fingers like 30 times. I know that everyone probably feels this way, but at this point my insecurities now have a significant amount of power over me. My mom has told me many times before that I can’t let my self conscious get the better of me, but I can’t help but think about what others would from me. I need the approval of others, with everything like the way I may dress to the way I talk. I don’t need a verbal response to tell when something can come off as awkward, dumb or confusing, it usually comes from the way someone may look at me during a conversation or just plain old body language. This event has an effect on my writing; slowing it down, forcing me to go back and rethink my ideas regardless of if they were going in the right direction or not.
I know that it may seem like I have got myself stuck in a black hole that I will never escape, a cruel curse of self harm, and a credit card debt that may never reach zero but this will not happen. I am getting better and better, this doesn’t mean I have never faced hardwork in my life though. I have had four jobs since the beginning of my freshman year and completed all of them with good remarks from my higher ups and shows that I am not totally unproductive and that I do have what it takes to live a more productive lifestyle. I feel like I have learned from my past mistakes, even if I feel like I am the only one who has times like these I now I stop and think. I think of my many friends that have a learning disability as well and that for us this is normal, this life and I’m going to have to move forward knowing that this will only help me become a better more productive person, I wanna be like Gucci Mane, Pharrell Williams, Will Ferrell, Charlie Brown. Anything but a Garfield.