Blog Feed

This is not the life I imagined 7 years ago. I imagined that we would always live the way we did. But now I am 16. What did I get? A pat on the back, a job application form, and a deeper realization of life. Not to sound ungrateful, but I wish we had it better. Mom and dad are each working two jobs, and so are you, Eddie. You’re only 19. I remember when we used to sit in the front yard, naming all of the squirrels we would see. Even when we moved here, you named the cockroaches we occasionally saw. I wish I had your spirit.

But now I’m 16. It’s my turn to work. I have to help our family. It is hard living this way, but with one more paycheck brought home each week, it will get better. We could ask “What are we having for dinner?” instead of “Are we having dinner?” We could get more than a pair of socks for Christmas.

It’s my turn to give back to the family. After all, I am the reason we live the way we do. I want to be able to let mom and dad and you know that I care about giving the family what I took away.

Don’t “I don’t know Daphne,” me. With a job, I can help work for the life I wanted to have when I was a little girl. A little girl with 2 legs.

Why am I getting so excited? I will never be able to get a job. Who wants to hire an amputee? Why hire three quarters of a person, when there are full ones out there? Yes. I am, Eddie. I am incomplete. I need crutches to walk on my own. I get weird stares on the street. I can’t play sports, run with my friends, or dance at parties. I can hardly get up the stairs on my own. I should have appreciated what I could do before it was to late.

Of course I’m ready. I need to give back to this family! I am the reason we live like this! If it wasn’t for me, we could still live in the suburbs, and go to a nice private school. I know it isn’t my fault, but it's true. If I hadn’t gotten sick and needed my freaking leg cut off… *sighs*

I want to live an easy life. I really do! Is it too late for that? I am already 16, but I haven’t achieved anything. I haven’t traveled, I haven’t gotten exceptional grades, nothing special. All of my friends have great lives. They go to the shore during the summer and buy fancy clothing from fancy stores. They eat healthy vegan food, take photo shoots in the park, and have clear skin. Why must I be disabled and have acne? It’s unfair!

You know what, nevermind. It is not worth getting frustrated about. I… I just wish it hadn’t happened, you know? Life is hard with 4 limbs, let alone 3. But, I’ve made it this far. I can’t give up now. I have a whole life ahead of me, or something like that. I’ve already lived 7 years with 1 leg. I can go through another 7. And then 7 years after that.

And look at Marlee. She is an amputee and she is living a great life, job and everything! I suppose I can be successful. I just have to put my mind to it. Also, I am lucky enough to have two working arms. Now that I think about it, why wouldn’t someone hire me? Even if I only have 1 leg, I am a strong, persistent, awesome young woman.

How much you need?  Yeah, I got you. It’s gonna be 10 a gram. What you got that for? What are you doing?  Stop playin, put that away. Ard, you can stop playing around with the gun now. What are you talking about? You’re really gonna rob me for like three grams? We grew up together! What the fuck? FINE FINE! Take it, just put the gun down. Yo get that gun out of my face!  What else do you want from me? I don’t have anything else. No weed. No pills. No money.

What’s the problem? You already have everything. Oh you’re mad about your cousin. Did I kill him? Yeah I killed him, so what?  You don’t even know what happened, do you? I get a phone call from him asking for a QP. I knew something was up because he never buys that much. But I still wanted that money, so I tried to sell it. He reached for a gun. I grabbed it and aimed at his neck. I don’t know if he was gonna rob me or kill me. But, I wasn’t gonna find out. My instincts kicked him and he’s dead. You finna kill me over it? I was defending my life. Kill me then. Pull the trigger then.. Or don’t. LOOK… AT ME. I’ve been trappin the past five years and I’m still in the same place. Aint shit get better. And it aint getting better.  I aint never gonna be nothin more than a drug dealer..

Do you really think I’m happy? Look at me when I’m talking to you! I got nothin to live for anymore. You kill me now I can get out of this cold world. If you don’t, I’ll just stay unhappy. I DONT CARE. So make a decision. But we both know you won’t kill me. You’re not man enough for it. You were never enough. You were always MY sidekick. I’m more important than you’ll ever be. If you killed me, you’d get killed. They LOVE me on these streets. If I die, they’re gonna come out make your whole family die. They’ll avenge my death. So what’s it gonna be?

HURRY UP! I don’t got the time for this. You can’t kill me... Without me you’re nothing. YOU.. NEED ME…  When you got arrested, who bailed you out? When you got kicked out, who’s apartment did you stay at? You won't last out here without me. You’re too much of a fuck up. Next time you need help, where you gonna go? You’re gonna come to me because you know I got you.  If I’m not around who’ll be there for you? Look I know you must feel some type of way because Michael is dead. But, it was him or me. What did you want me to do? Just sit there and let him decide my fate? I had a daughter I needed get home to. I’m sorry, but I wasn’t dying at the hands of him. Who would’ve taken care of Eden if I died? Her mom don’t do nothing. I’m all that girl had. THEY TOOK MY DAUGHTER AWAY FROM ME! I can’t live anymore, just kill me already.

Could I ask you a question? Was it true? Are the rumors I have been hearing true? I just need you to be honest with me my love.

Oh, so it is true? Why? How could you do this? After all I have done for you, you couldn’t stay away from him?

What do you mean I never showed you love? I gave you my heart and soul! And you’re just going to throw that away!? I love you and you can’t see that? I tell you everyday that you’re the love of my life and that you’re beautiful just as the day I met you.

How does he show his love? He hasn’t supported you and this family. He doesn’t pay the bills. He doesn’t cook dinner. He doesn’t work overtime at the job he hates. But yeah sure Jasmine, He loves you more than me.

When did you start seeing him, how long ago did you guys start hooking up? FIVE MONTHS! Are you kidding me? SO you’re just going to throw 7 years of our marriage DOWN THE DRAIN!? Is that why you had to invite him to our kids 6th birthday? You’re INSANE, how come I have never seen this before…

Why is it that everyone has chosen him over me, my whole life. Mom and dad gave him a car on his 16th birthday while I still took the bus. The girls would always approach me and ask me about him! He always excelled in school. Always on honor roll, and he would be the one on the football team to carry the team into championships.

But Liam, he’s my brother… how could he… he always said that he would take care of me when I needed it. I- I am in disbelief- my own brother.

I remember when my dog passed away, she was so old. But Liam comforted me, and the next day he showed up with a puppy. He said “I know no other dog can replace Macy, but here’s Roxie. I was in the animal shelter and I knew you would love her.” That was the most sentimental thing anyone ever did for me.

And we would go to parties and he would introduce me to his friends. He BROUGHT ME TO YOU! I knew it was too good to be true, I KNew it. I am such an idiot.. But my blood doesn’t even love me, so that’s down the drain.

But I thought you were different. I thought you truly loved me deep down in your heart-

DON’T GIVE ME THAT BS! I can’t even look at you right now. What are we supposed to do about Jason, huh? Did you even think about him? He’s only SIX YEARS OLD, he can’t comprehend what his mom ever did. He’s going to be confused as to why his mommy and dad-

*whispers*

what? What do you mean?

Jason ISN’T MY SON? WHAT DO YOU MEAN!

Jasmine, how is that even possible?

“It was just one night” my ass. When was this night? ARE YOU KIDDING ME JASMINE? THE DAY BEFORE OUR WEDDING!

Oh so because you had cold feet that means you slEEP WITH LIAM?!  

I was there when you gave birth to him and I was there for you the whole time, and you never thought to tell me this?

Of course I would find out sooner or later! I am not a complete IDIOT.

I NEED AN EXPLAINA-

Don’t walk away from me! Jasmine! No! Wait, don’t leave plea-

*on the verge of tears and a break down*

I don’t understand what I did. Why did this have to happen to me. The universe hates me, HATES ME. I hate me…

I could’ve been better. If I didn’t put all my love into this marriage so quickly, and realized that this was too good to be true, maybe I wouldn’t be here right now, talking to myself alone in my living room.

She left me. She left me alone in the house I built for our beautiful family. How could she leave me? If anything I have the right to leave, not my skank wife.

What’s even the point of living and breathing anymore. Everything good in my life has just vanished.

Monologue Reading-